OMEGA, ALPHA
by Patcat
Summary: Some speculations as to how things will go
1. Chapter 1

OMEGA, ALPHA

As much as she loved her job, Alex Eames faced every day with some fear. Every cop—at least every cop with some sanity—carried a small nugget of fear in his or her mind. The nature of the job created it; every day could be the one where someone pulled a gun and took a life. The trick was to acknowledge the nugget and tuck it away in a tiny, dark corner of your mind and keep it there. Alex was a master of this trick; as a member of a family of cops and firemen, she received early and frequent training in the handling of fear. By the time she reached the Academy, Alex's sword and shield of bleak and black humor were fully developed. They served her reasonably well in her relationship with Bobby Goren, who shared and appreciated her weapons, but there were times when she felt all of her skills hopelessly inadequate. There were simply too many foes wielding too many weapons making too many attacks. In recent months, there had been the assault on her, Bobby's near death at the hands of an angry, suicidal cop, the likely fatal illness of his mother, the sudden reappearance of his brother. And so many of these enemies were Bobby's, not Alex's.

Bobby was at least now trying to fight his battles and let her help him. And from the moment he'd been allowed to see her in the hospital, he'd devoted his own sword and shield to her defense. He wasn't always there for himself, but he always attempted to be there for her. Unless caring for his mother prevented it, he picked her up from her physical and mental therapy sessions; he stopped at her house on the way to and from seeing his mother (he claimed it wasn't out of his way, but Alex knew the drive to her house took him at least an hour out of his way); he stayed or came when she had a particularly awful dream. He made no demands on her; even when he held her in her bed, Alex felt completely safe. She knew he wouldn't make any sort of move towards her, and she didn't know if this comforted or disturbed her.

They were dealing with one of those cases where the Brass breathed down Ross' neck, and Ross breathed down Alex and Bobby's.

"Damn," Alex muttered as they left the Captain's office. "I wish he'd just leave us alone and let us do the job."

Bobby sat quietly across from her. "He's under a lot of pressure," he said softly. "And, remember, Deakins rode us pretty hard for the first year or so."

"You're being generous," Alex said with a touch of surprise.

"Well," Bobby answered. "I owe him…He could've fired me…I pretty much dared him…" He stared at his computer screen for a moment. "I…I owe you too…Pretty much dared you to leave me…"

"Hey," Alex said gently. "We've settled that." She smiled. "But if we get this case closed and everyone off our backs, I'll be really grateful and forgiving."

Alex believed it was her carrot and not Ross' stick—Bobby, to her knowledge, had never responded well to sticks—that led to Bobby raising the already high level of his usual performance of his job. Within twenty four hours, they had a suspect. Within thirty six hours, they had a strong case. Within forty eight hours, they had a confession. Bobby had little time to enjoy their victory. Just as Ross left them after expressing his thanks, Bobby's cell phone rang. Alex saw the shadows form in his eyes when he saw the number and watched as his shoulders slumped as he stepped into an empty interview room to take the call.

"His mom," she thought and tried to focus on her paperwork. She failed, and when Bobby didn't return after several minutes Alex walked to the interrogation room. She knocked softly on the door and opened it. Bobby sat at a table and stared at his phone; his face drooped with exhaustion.

"Hey," she said softly. "What's wrong?"

When he looked up at her, Bobby didn't seem to recognize Alex. He stood abruptly, grabbed the phone, and was on the point of reeling from the room. He stopped and began rubbing the back of his neck. He turned to Alex.

"I…I have to go see my Mom and her doctors…About her treatment…" He was like a man trying to balance on a tightrope over a precipice. "I…I hate to leave you with the paperwork…But…"

"It's ok." She stood uncertainly on the other side of the table. She wanted to move closer to him, to comfort him, but his defenses were on full alert. "I'm glad to help…" She hoped he understood that she meant far more than the paperwork.

His dark eyes shimmered with pain and gratitude. "I…I know," he whispered. "It…It means so much." He turned to the door. "I…I…" He glanced over his shoulder. "I…I'm not telling you to back off…I…I don't want that…" Each word cost him. "But…I…I just have to…I gotta do this…alone…but…" His shoulders shook, and Alex rushed around the table to reach him. He raised a hand to ward her away. "Alex…please…you…you mean so much…" He shook his head. "What you do for me…But…please…right now…I'm sorry…"

Frightened and confused, Alex hovered near him. "You'll call me?" she finally asked. "You'll let me know what's going on?"

"Of…of course…"

Alex seized the small victory. "Good…you go do what you need to do…I'll let Ross know…"

"You shouldn't have to…" He started to protest.

"It's ok," she said firmly. "It's part of what partners…friends…do…"

He lacked the will and energy to fight her. "All right…" He hesitated at the door. "Thank you," he whispered.

Ross was remarkably sympathetic and understanding. "As long as you don't mind the paperwork, Eames," he said quietly. "Just let Goren know to keep me in the loop…"

She finished the paperwork—Alex occasionally thought that the work went faster without Bobby's interruptions, enjoyable though they often were—and headed home. She checked her cell for messages before she left, but wasn't surprised not to find any. At home, the only messages she discovered were from local realtors. She'd finally decided to sell the house that seemed less and less like home, and in spite of the erratic market, her house seemed to have several attributes making it attractive to potential buyers. Alex grew increasingly worried as the evening progressed with no word from Bobby. The day started warm and clear, but grey clouds appeared in greater numbers as evening approached. By the time night arrived, a thunderstorm was in full fury.

Alex desperately wanted to call Bobby, if only to make sure he wasn't driving in an exhausted state in the weather. She was about to make the call when she heard a knock on her door. She rushed to it and saw through the small window a drenched and bedraggled Bobby. She nearly snapped the bolt as she hurried to unlock the door. For a moment the storm's violence invaded the house as Bobby stood uncertainly in front of the door. Alex grabbed one of his hands and pulled him into the house. Shivering and shedding water, Bobby stood as she shut and locked the door. Alex turned to him; he was beyond soaked to the skin. The rain saturated his clothes, and she thought that his hair and skin couldn't hold another drop of water.

"I'm sorry," he blurted. "I'm getting everything wet."

"It's ok," she said as she moved to help him peel off his coat. "The floor is easy to clean…and it's just water."

She guided him to the large bathroom—something she knew she'd miss when she sold the house—and told him to take a shower before he froze to death. She collected a pair of boxers and a T-shirt from the small but growing pile of clothes Bobby kept at her house and dropped them on the bathroom sink's counter. As she shut the bathroom door, Alex fought the impulse to peek at Bobby's silhouette against the shower door. She put some of his wet clothes in the dryer and hung others to dry in the laundry room—another thing she'd miss about the house—and went to the kitchen to start the water for tea. By the time Bobby emerged from the bathroom, a large, steaming mug of tea waited for him. He wordlessly took it from her and meekly allowed her to lead him to her ridiculously large bed. She sat across from him in her father's old chair. For several minutes they sipped their tea.

"I'm glad you're here." Alex ventured to break the silence. "I'm glad you felt that you could come here."

He held the mug tightly and stared into the depths of the dark liquid. "I…I'm…" His voice was soft. "I'm glad…I'm grateful…" He took a large drink of tea. "I…I can't…don't know…how…to say…How much…it means to me…to be able to come here…"

"Another small victory," Alex thought. She smiled at Bobby. "You're welcome," she said.

They finished the tea. "Are you hungry?" Alex asked as she took his mug. "Do you want some more?"

"No…thank you," Bobby said softly.

She decided not to push. "Baby steps," she thought as she took the mugs to the kitchen. She rinsed and put them in the dishwasher. "Another thing," she thought. "That I'll miss. I wonder if I can find an apartment with a dishwasher that won't take all of my salary."

She returned to the bedroom. Bobby lay on his back, his left arm flung across his eyes. Alex found her extra large T-shirt and went into the bathroom. When she came back several minutes later, Bobby was on his side and huddled beneath the covers. She carefully slipped into the bed behind him and turned off the lamp.

The storm had retreated from its height and become a soft, soothing rain. It had nearly lulled Alex to sleep when she heard Bobby's low voice.

"Alex…Are you awake?"

She was immediately fully conscious. "Yes." There was less than an inch separating their bodies, but she didn't dare touch him.

"It…it's my Mom. It's bad. Her doctors…" Speaking the words took him a great effort. "The conventional therapies and treatments…They're not working…The experimental treatments…They…They won't let her in the trials because…because of her schizophrenia…And…and even if I could afford it…Her doctors…won't recommend it…One of them…" He swallowed, and Alex's hand hovered near his back. "He told me…That even if…if I could pay for it…He couldn't in good conscious…allow it…That it would…" Bobby curled his body tighter. "It would just cause her more pain…That it…It would be cruel…"

Alex found the courage to place her hand on his back. She felt the muscles and nerves tremble beneath his skin and shirt.

"I…I'm not like that, am I? I…I'm not cruel to her…Am…Am I?"

She could barely hear his voice, and the words broke her heart.

"Of course not." She struggled to control her voice. "You're a good man…You've always taken care of your mom."

"Not always," he whispered. "But…I've tried to talk to her…But…" He rolled over on his back; his arm covered his eyes. "All she'd say…She just wants to go back to Carmel Ridge…She just wants the pain to stop…I…I don't know if she understands…If she knows how sick she is…All she wants is for the pain and the treatments to end…and…" A bitter edge came to his voice. "And Frank…She wants Frank."

"Bobby," Alex breathed. She tenderly placed a hand on his chest. He trembled.

"I…I can't give her Frank…I can't find him…" He sighed. "Big shot detective…Can't even find one homeless guy."

"Bobby…Don't be so hard on yourself…You know how hard it is to find someone…Especially if they don't want to be found."

His trembling increased, and Alex wasn't sure if he heard her. "I…I can't give her Frank…but…but maybe…I can…give her…" He swallowed.

Alex reached for his arm and gently pulled it away from his eyes. They were squeezed tightly shut, but tears started to squeeze through the lids.

"I can give her…some peace…a little less pain…" His voice choked. Alex found and gripped his left hand. "Her doctors…I…decided…on a less aggressive treatment…a palliative one…to make her comfortable…as much as possible…" The trembling became shivering and the tears began to flow from his eyes.

Alex raised her upper body to cover Bobby's chest.

"Bobby," she whispered. "I'm so sorry…" She struggled to find the words to reach him, to help him. "I can only imagine how hard this is for you…But sometimes…the best thing you can do…the only thing…is to let go."

He started to shake, and a whimper escaped from his lips. Alex covered his body with her own; she rested her head just below his chin and, as much as she could, wrapped her arms around him.

"It's ok to cry," she said into the spot where his collar bone and throat and chest met. "It's ok."

She didn't know if he heard her of if his burdens simply became too much for him, but Bobby began to cry—to sob really—in full force. He cried for several minutes, at one point his sobs violently shaking not only his body and Alex, but the entire bed. Exhaustion finally took him, and he rested mutely, his hands resting in Alex's hair.

"I…I'm sorry," he said in an empty voice. "I…I…"

"It's all right," Alex said as she tried to hid the shakiness in her voice. "Just…try to get some rest…We can talk about it tomorrow."

He rested his chin on her head. "Rest," he murmured. "Sleep…"

Alex pulled the covers over them. She was again on the edge of sleep when Bobby softly rumbled, "Thank you, Alex…Thank you."

End Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Alex blinked, yawned, and stretched. Sunshine, muted slightly by the newly budding trees outside her window, filled her bedroom. "I'll definitely miss this when I sell this place," she thought. She turned over and found a small depression where Bobby should have been. "Bobby." She sat up.

"Hey." Bobby stood in the bedroom doorway. He carried two cops of what smelled wonderfully like strong coffee. "Here," he said as he walked to the bed. "Very strong…very sweet…" He handed her one of the cups.

She took a long drink. "Thanks," she said. "Do me another favor?"

"Anything I can." He smiled at her. His hair was messed and sticking up in every direction, and Alex thought it was adorable.

"Open the blinds and window…please?"

"Madam's wish is my command." He balanced his cup on the bedside table and opened the blinds and window. A fresh breeze brought in the early spring scents of warm, moist earth and the sounds of birds. Bobby stood for a moment in front of the window.

"The world is always better the morning after a thunderstorm," he said. "Everything is so clean."

"We've got the day," Alex said. "I'll let you buy me breakfast…"

Bobby turned his head to her. "Ok."

"The one thing I won't miss about this place," Alex thought as she waited for the water in the shower to warm up. "Is the plumbing…" She emerged from her shower grateful that Bobby hadn't used all of the hot water. She put on her favorite jeans and T-shirt. Brushing her hair, she stepped into the living room to find Bobby, intently reading her paper. "I thought," Alex said. "That you hated the POST."

"I do," Bobby answered evenly as he folded the paper. "But I gotta read something."

They ate at her favorite place for breakfast, and Bobby didn't blink when she ordered the multi ingredient pancakes and the large mocha mint coffee. The day was beautiful—as Bobby had noted, the night's storm left everything shiny and clean—the food good, and Alex's spirits high. It was only when she was nearly finished that Alex realized Bobby had spent much of his breakfast moving his eggs from one side of his plate to the other.

"Hey," she said, her voice just loud enough to be heard over the restaurant's din. "What's wrong?"

"It's…It's…" Bobby fiddled with his fork. "I…I've been thinking…about a lot of things…and I'd like to talk to you…I'd…" He swallowed. "It…some of it may…It has to do with you…and even the stuff that doesn't…I…I'd like your opinion…about it."

Alex's heart soared and shook. He trusted her; he wanted to know what she thought; he wanted to know how she felt. Bobby, the lone wolf who shared nothing of his fears with anyone, was talking to her. A bolt of fear shot through her mind. What if she couldn't help him, if she couldn't do what he wanted or needed? She tried to slow her racing thoughts. "What is it?" she asked calmly.

"I…I'm probably going to take some time…as…as my Mom…" He took a deep breath, and Alex knew it was still difficult for him to accept the idea of his mother's approaching death. "And." He recovered his voice. "That means…I'm sorry…but I'll be leaving you without a partner…"

"That's ok," she said gently. "After all…I left you for a while…"

"Yea." He continued to harass his silverware. "Well, at least I know you'll deal better with it than I did." He smiled weakly at her. "I…I plan to work as much and as long as I can…"

His words struck Alex; they were the same ones she'd used to tell him about her pregnancy.

"But when the time comes…" His voice wavered. "I…I…" He stood suddenly. "I… I can't…not here…" he whispered. He threw several bills on the table and strode quickly out of the restaurant.

Alex rushed after him. He hadn't gone far; he stood huddled in the doorway of a neighboring store that hadn't opened for the day. His arms were wrapped around his body.

"I'm sorry…really sorry." He stared at the ground. "I…I just…There were so many people in there…I…I thought that talking about it in a public place would make it easier…But…But…" He glanced at Alex. "I…I'm not running away from you…Please…please understand that."

Alex's anger disappeared. She stepped in front of Bobby to keep any one from seeing him. "It's ok," she said, painfully aware of how feeble her words sounded. "I…I'm just glad you're still here." Alex looked around her for some inspiration for what to say. The small park at the end of the street caught her eye. "C'mon," she said and gently tugged at Bobby's hand. His eyes downcast, he meekly followed her. They walked quickly to the park. The area around the playground was full of happy children and watchful parents, but Alex led Bobby to a bench in front of a memorial to the area's veterans. It was a somber place in the midst of the park, and it seemed a suitable setting for Bobby and Alex at the moment.

Bobby stared at the names etched on the stone. "So many," he said softly. "So many names."

"Yea," Alex said in an equally soft voice.

"Sometimes," Bobby said. "My problems don't seem all that important." He leaned forward and rubbed a large hand across the back of his neck. "I guess it's good to get some perspective on things." He glanced at Alex. "You have a great gift for listening."

"I've had some practice," she responded dryly.

Bobby smiled sadly and leaned back against the bench. "I'm sorry for the freak out…Please understand…I wasn't running away from you…I'll never tell you to back off again…"

"Damn straight," Alex said in a slightly shaky voice.

"I…" He sighed and leaned forward again, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands dangling. Alex sat carefully next to him. "When my Mom gets really bad," he said in a rush of words. "I'll take a real break…and…and after…I'll probably take more time away from the job."

A horribly empty feeling filled Alex. "This must be how he felt when I left," she thought. She stared at the monument and the names on it blurred.

"I…I don't want to leave you," Bobby said in a low voice. "It's not you at all…But one of my Mom's doctors…She said that my life…It's been defined by my Mom's illness…that one reason I want her to fight the cancer…why I wanted the experimental treatment…is…I won't have that definition in my life…I don't want to let it go…"

"You're not like that," Alex said indignantly. "You're not selfish…

"She didn't mean that…think that," Bobby said quickly. "It's just that…all my life…I've taken care of her…Even when I wasn't in charge of or dealing with her…I was thinking about it…And her illness…It's a large part of why…who…I am…My reactions to it…It helps me understand…But…"

He continued to stare intently at the monument, and Alex knew that he had as much difficulty in reading the names as she did.

"It also gives me excuses." His voice was flat and impersonal. "There's Bobby Goren, with the crazy mother…That's why he's so strange…Leave him alone…Don't hold him accountable because he's had such a rough time…Poor guy…" Bobby's voice began to shake. "Give him a break."

Alex winced. "Bobby…"

"And I've used it…" He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "Used it to avoid responsibilities…commitments." Bitterness edged into his voice. "I'm sorry, but I can't think of marriage or children…I'm sorry, but I can't share that with you…I'm sorry, but can't make any promises because I might go crazy…" His voice broke.

"Bobby…Stop it!" Alex's voice betrayed her anger and fear. "You are not like that…You've taken care of her…Visited her every week…Given up things for her…"

"A couple of minutes on the phone…A couple of hours every week…" He shook his head. "It's not much."

"What were you supposed to do?" Alex rose and stood in front of him. "Give up all of your life? Live with her? Where would the money come from? How would you have taken care of her?"

"Some people…a lot of people…have done that," Bobby said sadly.

Alex shook her head. "And does that save the people they're taking care of? Does it really help them? Or does it just mean they're throwing their lives after the people they love?"

Bobby seemed to be aware of her for the first time in several minutes. "These people…they sacrifice…"

"Yes…yes they do," Alex agreed. "And, yes, they're noble…and wonderful…But they may be making and using excuses too…And how many people have completely abandoned their family members? You've told me there are patients at Carmel Ridge who've never had a visitor in all the years you've gone there."

Bobby held his head in his hands. "It's hard," he said. "To watch…to deal with someone…who's not there…or comes and goes…You can't blame them…People do what they can…"

Alex took a deep breath. "And some go beyond what they can do…Like you…"

"I…I don't know," he said. "It's just…right now…anything I do for my Mom…anything I decide…It's wrong…The only place where I seem to be able to do the right thing is at work…and I'm not sure about there…"

She sat down again. "You're doing fine from what I can tell."

A half-smile crossed Bobby's face. "In addition to being a good listener, you know how to say the right thing."

"My family thinks I have the ability to know the worst thing to say at the worst time," Alex answered.

"Only because you tell the truth," Bobby said. He continued to stare at the monument.

"What is it," Alex asked after a moment. "That you wanted to tell me."

"Yea…that." Bobby wiped his hand across his mouth. "When…when it looks like it's near…near the end." It was easier for him to say the words now. "I'm going to take some leave."

Alex nodded. "You should."

"And…like I said…you'll get saddled with a new partner…and I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry," Alex said. "I think I can deal with anyone the NYPD throws at me…and Ross likes me…" She studied Bobby for a moment; she knew some of his fears. "I'll be waiting when you get back."

"I…I know that…It's just…" Bobby again intently examined the names on the monument. "I…I don't know when I'll be back."

A leaden weight appeared in Alex's stomach.

"I…I just think…" Bobby continued. "That when I…when the time comes…I may need some time…" He glanced at Alex. "I…I feel awful about this…All this time…I've been so afraid that you'd leave…and here I am considering leaving you…but it's not you…I just think I'll need some time…My head won't be at work…It…It wouldn't be safe…for you or anyone…"

She was stunned at her relief. He didn't want to leave her; he was only attempting to prepare for what would be a terrible time in his life.

"Alex?" Bobby's tense, worried voice broke in on her thoughts. "I…I'm sorry…I…"

Alex caught one of his hands. "It's all right," she said. "I understand. What you're saying makes a lot of sense…I'm not upset."

Bobby stared at their hands. "You're sure…"

Alex nodded. "Absolutely…But you better make sure our solve rate stays up."

"Promise," Bobby said. "When I'm at work, I'll be at work…I'll even make nice with Ross…"

"Deal," Alex said.

"Deal." Bobby swallowed. "After all, when the time comes…Who knows what I'll want to do…I may just want to throw myself into work…"

"Whatever you do," Alex said firmly. "I'll be here."

END Chapter Two


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Robert Goren was a man of his word. For the next few weeks, when he was at work, he was at work, although he was very quiet and subdued. There were days when he scarcely spoke to anyone but Alex, and frequently only said a few words to her. Alex thought that their Captain handled Bobby with a gentler hand, and tensions seemed less between the two men.

"Things good with you two?" Ross asked one morning as Alex dropped a file on his desk.

Alex didn't have to think about the answer. "Yes."

"He's told me." Ross nodded in Bobby's direction. "That he's talked with you…"

"He has," Alex said. "As much as he has any plans, he's told me about them." She turned to look at her partner, who was staring in bafflement at a copier. "He's such a bright guy, but he's convinced he's got some kind of hex on him when it comes to some machines."

Megan Wheeler had taken pity on Bobby and was helping him. Ross smiled as the younger detective, made even tinier by standing next to Bobby's bulk, efficiently punched the correct sequence of buttons to get the copier to respond.

"I don't dislike him," Ross said quietly. "It's just…his methods…the way he thinks…are unusual…"

Alex tilted her head in Ross' direction. "Well," she said. "You didn't give him much of a chance at the start."

"No…No I didn't," Ross admitted. "I completely misjudged his relationship with Gage…" He paused, uncertain of Alex's reaction.

"It's ok," Alex said. "Just saying his name won't freak me out." She looked sadly at Bobby. "It probably bothers Bobby a lot more."

"That was the first of several mistakes I made with him…and you," Ross said. "I should have trusted you both more…You've saved my rear enough times…"

Alex turned to him. "You've always backed us up when you're dealing with the Brass…even when you disagree with us or we're giving you a hard time."

"I know enough," Ross said. "To support my people." He took a deep breath. "I owe you and Goren an apology for at least one thing."

Alex looked at him curiously.

"The truth is I owe it to Jimmy Deakins as well," Ross said. "When I came to Major Case I knew he'd resigned under a shadow. About half the people in the Department that I talked to thought it was real. The other half said he'd saved the Department a major headache." Ross looked at Alex. "I know what's true now…but when I got here I didn't know who to trust."

Alex concentrated on watching her partner as she considered Ross' confession. Bobby had finally won his battle with the copier and profusely thanked Wheeler, causing the younger detective to blush so fiercely that her freckles disappeared.

"Thank you," Alex finally said. "Although Bobby might deserve it more."

"I gather he was close to Deakins?" Ross asked. Alex heard no rancor or suspicion in his voice.

"Captain Deakins…" she said thoughtfully. "Understood Bobby…sort of…as much as anyone did. But it took him years to do it…and he always backed Bobby up, even when he wasn't sure he knew what Bobby was doing…And Bobby thought what happened to him was terribly wrong." Alex sighed. "I felt that way too, but Bobby…Bobby always seems to expect the worse."

Bobby had reached his desk and was looking for Alex with a puzzled expression. Alex and Ross smiled.

"I think," Ross said in a bemused voice. "Part of my problem with Goren is that I'm not used to being the second smartest guy in the room."

Alex's smile grew wider. "Bobby told me that he thought one of his problems with you was the he wasn't used to being the second smartest guy in the room."

Ross laughed. "I'll take that as a compliment." He moved to his desk. "Thanks for keeping me up to date, Alex…Just let me know if he or you need more time."

"Yes, sir…Thank you."

As she returned to her desk, Bobby watched Alex with concern. "Everything ok?" he asked.

"Yea," Alex said as she sat down. "Just giving Ross an update."

Bobby glanced at the Captain's office. "He's worried about me?"

"Both of us," Alex replied calmly. "And he's grateful for the times we've saved his butt."

"Really?" Bobby said in surprise.

"Yea…and he said you make him feel like the second smartest guy in the room." Alex smiled.

Bobby reddened slightly. "Well," he said after a few moments. "We both might be fighting it out for second if we factored you into the equation."

It was Alex's turn to blush. "Flattery," she said. "Will not get you out of paperwork, Goren."

It was a rare blissfully quiet afternoon--the highlight was Bobby's run to Starbucks to buy a horribly elaborate and expensive concoction for Alex. For once, they were able to leave at five o'clock. They walked together into the parking garage, and neither shivered as they entered it.

"Can I give you a ride?" Alex asked.

Bobby shook his head. "No thanks…I drove today…with my Mom…I thought I should have my car."

Alex pulled out her keys as they neared her car. She studied Bobby for a moment; he hadn't spoken of his mother all day.

"How is she?" Alex asked gently. In the several moments before Bobby spoke Alex heard the sounds of traffic and people distorted by the garage's strange echo.

"It…It's not good," Bobby finally said. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Her doctors…say it's a matter of a month or so…but some of the nurses…You know they usually know these things better…They think…It's a matter of weeks…She…She's not in a lot of pain, though…and she's happy to be back at Carmel Ridge…but she's eating less and less…" He stared at the ground. "I…I could use some advice, Alex."

She held her breath. He'd called her by her first name; he sought her help.

"The doctors tell me…At some point…They…It might be necessary to put a feeding tube in…But they also tell me…And the nurses…It may not be a good idea…It'll keep her alive a little longer…" Bobby's face crumbled in despair. "But she'll be in pain…her life would be worse…" He looked up at Alex. "What…what would you do, Alex?"

Alex gently placed her hands on his chest; she thought she felt his body shaking through his raincoat and suit jacket. "I don't think I'd do it," she said calmly. "It was something…when my Mom had her stroke…They warned us we might have to consider it…When we asked the doctors and nurses what they would do if it was their mom…They wouldn't do it…You need to ask them that…especially the nurses. They'll give you an honest answer." She was terribly conscious of the trust he showed her. "They think…It'll be soon?"

Bobby stared at some point over her head. "Yea," he said wearily. "But…they don't have any definite answers…"

"Bobby…You know…If there's anything I can do…" She moved tentatively into the dangerous territory. "I could help you look for Frank…"

His eyes narrowed and darkened for a moment, but returned quickly to the sad expression which marked them most of the time recently. "Thank you," he said softly. Alex could barely hear him over the garage's noise. "That's…" He smiled gently at her. "That's you."

A bittersweet warmth swept through Alex.

"But…I don't think Frank wants to be found…And Mom hasn't asked for him for a while. I think being back at Carmel Ridge has helped her a lot…I just wish…" Bobby focused again on that spot over Alex's head.

"What?"

"Oh…It's so small and petty…I just wish…My Mom…" He sighed. "Sometimes…she used to thank me for what I did for her…She hasn't for a while…" He closed the door on his feelings. "Really…thank you for the advice…and the offer…They mean…a lot."

"You're welcome…and thank you."

Puzzled, Bobby looked at her.

Alex smiled. "For trusting me…For letting me help you."

Bobby studied in amazement. "You…You're grateful…because I'm letting you help me?" He shook his head. "You're incredible, Alex Eames."

Alex blushed at his praise. "You're sure you don't want to get a bite? Or need anything?"

"No…but again…thank you."

As he had for nearly every night in the past six months, Bobby watched until Alex was out of the garage before getting in his car.

Alex arrived at the office the next morning to discover Bobby's empty chair. She quickly surveyed the room but found no sign of her partner. A heavy weight appeared in her stomach as the minutes clicked by with no message from him. Just as Ross emerged from the elevators and Alex began to think of various explanations for Bobby's absence, her desk phone rang. She didn't recognize the number it displayed.

"Eames," she answered, somehow aware that it was Bobby on the other end and that the news he had to report wasn't good.

"Al…Eames…Alex." His voice was shredded with despair.

"Oh, God," Alex thought. "It's bad…It's really bad…"

"I…I'm sorry…My Mom…She…had a bad night…Physically and mentally…I had to go to Carmel Ridge about midnight…and I haven't had a chance to call…"

Alex clutched the receiver tightly. "Are you ok? Do you need anything?" In her mind's eye, she saw Bobby rubbing his eyes.

"Ok…would be an exaggeration…but…I'm dealing with it…"

Alex saw Ross give her a quick and concerned glance from his office door. "How's your Mom?"

"It's not good," he admitted. "Even the doctors think…There's not a lot of time…"

"Oh, Bobby…I'll come…"

"No…no…please, Alex," he pleaded. "They have no idea of how long it'll be…and there's nothing you can do…Hell, there's nothing I can do," he said, bitterness creeping into his voice. "Except wait."

Alex bit her lip. Every cell in her body called for her to rush to him. "Is anyone there who can help you?"

"Yea…everyone…They're trying to…" He choked. "I…later…if you could come later…"

Alex seized the small branch he held out. "Ok…you promise you'll call me? 'Cause if you don't, you know I'll call you…and come there if I have to."

"I promise," he said softly. "I'm sorry…" She heard voices in the background. "I gotta go…"

"I understand…I'll let Ross know," Alex said.

"You…you don't have to…" he started to protest. "But you will…thank you…I will call you later…and…Alex…"

"Yes?" Her knuckles were white from tightly grasping the phone.

"Thank you for the advice about the feeding tube…It…It helped a lot."

"I'm glad I can help you in any way."

The voices over his phone grew louder. "I'm sorry," Bobby said in a defeated voice. "I gotta go now."

Alex clung to the receiver for several minutes, letting the dial tone buzz in her ear until the operator's recorded voice urged her to hang up. She hung up the phone and headed to Ross' office.

"Your partner?" he asked as she stepped through the door.

Alex nodded. "His Mom…the doctors are talking about it being days."

Ross sighed. "Well, I'll place him on compassionate leave until I hear differently. You can give Logan and Wheeler a hand for a while. We'll talk about a temporary partner if we have to."

"Just as long," Alex said firmly. "That it's understood that my partner is Goren. Anyone else is temporary."

"That's given," Ross replied.

"And Captain," Alex said as she moved to the door. "I'd like to take some time to help him in the next few days. I think I might be one of the few people who could."

"Of course," Ross replied. "Have you and Goren talked about his plans?"

"Yes," Alex said. "He wanted to warn me that he'd probably be taking some leave…possibly for a long time."

Ross studied her for a moment. "I have to tell you, Alex," he said deliberately. "If he takes a long leave, I'm not sure he'll be back. I know I don't know him as well as you do, but I sense his mother's death will cause a lot of questions for him."

Alex concentrated on the patterns of wood in Ross' desk. "I've thought about that," she conceded. "And I'll just deal with it if and when it happens."

"All right," Ross said gently. "Just keep me posted. Let me know if you need time off…And try to be a good role model for Wheeler…I'm not sure Logan is the best example for her."

Alex smiled. "And you think I am?"

There were moments Alex enjoyed in the next days. She liked Mike Logan—they shared the same dark sense of humor and he was a staunch defender of Bobby Goren—and found she liked Megan Wheeler the more time she spent with the young detective. A definite plus for Wheeler in Alex's book was her admiration for Bobby Goren.

"Bobby thinks highly of you, too," Alex said one morning as the trio shared coffee. "Told me one day he thought you just needed some more experience…You already have the brains and instincts."

Wheeler's freckles disappeared with her blush.

"Ross must love it," Logan grinned. "Me as a role model and she admires Goren."

"Hey," Wheeler said. "I've got Alex as an example."

Alex laughed. "I'm not sure that would comfort Ross."

Each evening brought a phone call from Bobby. His reports were depressingly similar—his mother's condition moved steadily downward, and Bobby was struggling not to follow it. Their conversations were short and strained, but he seemed grateful for them. Alex was simply grateful that he was willing to share even a small part of his life, but she also dreaded the calls and knew that one of them would eventually contain news of his mother's death.

That call finally came a little over a week after Bobby first took leave. It was late—late enough that Alex was seriously considering breaking her unwritten contract with Bobby and calling his cell phone—when her phone rang.

"I…I'm sorry…to call so late…" His voice was flat.

"It's ok," Alex said.

"It's just…just that…My Mom died about an hour ago…"

"Oh, Bobby…I'm so sorry." She expected and even welcomed the news, if only to end Bobby's long vigil, but the event still shocked Alex. "What can I do?" She moved to her bedroom to look for her bags.

"Uh…right now…nothing…The undertaker has already been to Carmel Ridge…The paperwork…is ok for now..." Alex had never heard Bobby's voice with so little feeling. "I've got a hotel room…But…if you could let people know…"

"Of course…but do you think you should be…Do you want someone…I'd be happy to come…" She was torn between rushing to him and respecting his privacy.

"Alex…It's good of you…but…It's the middle of the night…You shouldn't…"

"And you shouldn't be alone," Alex countered. "Not now…not tonight…"

"Please…I appreciate it…I really do…More than you could know…But…" She wished that his voice didn't sound so flat and weary. "Tomorrow…if you could…want to…but right now…I need a little time…I've been surrounded by people…I'm so tired…I just need to be by myself for a few hours."

"All right." Alex retreated. "But I'll be there early tomorrow."

He gave her directions to the hotel, and she agreed to let Ross know. As they said good by, an unreasonable fear seized Alex.

"Bobby…you will take care of yourself…get some sleep?"

"Yes…I…promise…" For the first time in their talk his voice wavered. "Alex…thank you…I …thank you…"

He shut off his phone, and Alex again listened to the dial tone.

"He'll be ok," she tried to reassure herself. "At least as ok as he can be. He sounds numb. It probably won't hit him until tomorrow. That's when he'll need me." Alex set her alarm for early in the morning. "I'll call Ross tomorrow…My Mom and Dad will want to know…I'll give Lewis a call…" She sat on the edge of her bed and tried to think if there was anyone else to contact. "He has so few people really close to him…He's always been so alone…The next few days are going to be so hard for him…" She fell back on her bed. "Well, I'm going to help him as much as I can, even if I have to fight him."

END CHAPTER THREE


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Alex slept in fits and starts throughout the night, and around 4:30 she gave up the fight. She showered, packed enough clothes—including her best black suit—to last several days, and started on the way to Carmel Ridge. She phoned her parents first, knowing that her father rose ridiculously early in the morning in spite of his retirement. He was sympathetic. "Let us know when the funeral is, Lexie…Your Mom and I will be there…You take care of that boy…and yourself."

"I will, Dad…And I'll let Bobby know," Alex responded. Her father regarded Bobby as a lost sheep that needed to be brought into the Eames family folds. He was the only member of her family aside from Alex who didn't blame Bobby at least in part for what she suffered at Jo Gage's hands. Various sources informed Alex that one of her older brothers had confronted Bobby in the hospital parking lot one evening of her recovery, and that her father saved her partner from a verbal and possibly physical assault. Her father also saved her brother from a similar attack after Alex learned of his actions.

Following her call to her father, Alex left a message for Ross on his office phone. She felt it was too early to invade her boss' private life via his cell or home phone. These calls made, Alex stopped briefly for fuel for her body and her car and was soon on the road to Carmel Ridge. The traffic grew heavier with the sun's rising, but most of it was headed into the city. Alex had never been to Carmel Ridge, but Bobby had revealed some details about the town and the hospital and his directions from last night were clear and concise. It always took two hours to get there, Bobby wryly told her, no matter how fast or slow he drove, no matter how bad or good the weather, no matter how bad the construction or traffic. The town was fairly isolated. "Mental illness," Bobby said one evening after they had consumed one or two many drinks at a tough case's conclusion. "Is its main source of income." Alex arrived as the small town was just starting to wake up, but traffic was still light on the two lane road that wound through it. She drove easily to the hotel on its outskirts and wondered briefly if she might have to search for Bobby. A quick glance inside the small restaurant standing at the edge of the hotel's parking lot revealed Bobby sitting huddled at a table.

"Well," Alex thought. "At least he's trying to eat."

The restaurant was at the height of breakfast, lively and noisy with waitresses carrying plates, filling coffee cups, and laughing with customers. Bobby sat in a corner booth, his back to the wall, and his location giving him a clear view of the room. He concentrated on the plate in front of him, and Alex was nearly at the booth before Bobby sensed her presence.

"Hey," Alex said hesitantly.

He looked up at her in surprise.

"Hey," he answered her with equal hesitation. His hair was neatly combed, his face shaved, his clothes neat, but he was gaunt and dark circles surrounded his eyes. Very little of the food on his plate appeared to have been touched.

"Please," he said. "Sit down…I'll buy you some coffee…and breakfast if you want." He waved at the waitress. "I can recommend the blueberry pancakes."

Alex realized she was very hungry; coffee was a poor substitute for actual food. "You don't have to," she said as she slipped into the booth across from Bobby. "Buy me breakfast."

He stared at his plate and turned his fork over and over. "It…It's the least I can do…After you drove for two hours."

"This is a first," the waitress said as she appeared to refill Bobby's coffee cup and take Alex's order. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone with you."

"Uh…this…this is my professional partner…Alex Eames," Bobby said shyly. "Eames, this is Martha…" He looked up at the older woman with some embarrassment. "I'm sorry…All the time I've been coming here…I don't know your last name."

"It's all right, honey," Martha said tolerantly. "I only know your first name too."

Bobby's cell phone rang. "Sorry," he said as he checked the number. "I have to take this…"

"The reception's much better outside," Martha said helpfully.

Alex watched Bobby carefully as he stepped outside the diner.

"I'm glad," Martha said after taking Alex's order. "That he has someone here with him."

"You know," Alex asked cautiously. "About his mother?"

"A little," the older woman nodded. "And it took me a few years to learn that. " Her warm, grey eyes were friendly and sympathetic. "I figured out pretty early that he had someone at the hospital. That's why most people who don't live around here come in here." She tipped off Alex's coffee. "But I think it was a year before he mentioned he was coming to visit his mother."

Alex looked guiltily into the depths of her coffee. A wave of jealousy had swept over her when she thought that this relative stranger might know more about Bobby's life than his long time partner.

"He's mentioned you a few times," Martha said. "Look, honey, it's none of my business…But I like that man…He cares a lot about you, and I gather the two of you have had a rough time lately from the little he's said. I'm glad you're here with him."

"I'm glad I can be here with him," Alex said.

"He's a good man. I hope he can find some peace now," Martha said as she and Alex watched Bobby slowly come back into the restaurant. He nodded at Martha as she passed him; he walked as if large weights sat on his shoulders. He sat heavily across from Alex.

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping a large hand across his face. "That was the undertaker. I'm meeting with him later this morning…and I called Ross."

"I left him a message this morning," Alex said.

"That's what he said…Thank you for doing that…He told me to tell you not to worry…to take as much time…" Bobby stared into space. "He…he was very kind."

"Well…Like you said…He's not a bad guy." Alex tentatively touched him on the arm and was grateful that Bobby didn't pull away. "What can I do to help you?"

Martha arrived, bearing Alex's pancakes and a warm smile for Bobby.

"You could start," Bobby said. "By eating breakfast…one of us should have something inside…"

Alex took a bite of the pancakes. "Wow…these are good."

"I…" Bobby twisted a napkin as he spoke. "I need to meet with the undertaker, like I said…and the priest at the local church…There's a funeral Mass tomorrow at ten…" His attention seemed to be on a bland painting of a barn hanging on the opposite wall. "I…I don't expect that anyone will be there…but…but she wanted it…It was one of the few instructions she left." He thoughtlessly ripped the napkin. "And…today…or tomorrow after…I need to pick up her stuff." His voice was flat and dull.

"Have you gotten any sleep?" Alex asked, her breakfast briefly forgotten.

"Yea…a little…last night…thoughts kept buzzing through my head."

"Where is she going to be buried?" Alex asked. He was at least talking to her.

"The Catholic section in the cemetery here," he answered. In spite of the din around them, Alex was aware only of Bobby's words. "She…during some of her better moments…She said this was as much of a hometown as she'd ever had…" His hands found another napkin and began twisting it. "And as far as I know…there's no one in her family…They…they weren't happy when she married my Dad…and then…when she got sick…"

"Your Dad…his side," Alex asked hesitantly.

He smiled bitterly. "My Dad…" His voice dripped with disgust. "When he died…there was barely enough to cover his funeral…He was cremated…and the ashes buried in a cemetery in the city…I'm not sure I could find it again…" He began ripping the second napkin. "I guess that makes me a horrible son." The bitterness faded from his voice. "But he was a pretty horrible father."

Alex swallowed; Bobby had never revealed so much to her. "Your parents' families…there isn't anyone…" Alex came from a large, close family of not only brothers and sisters, but aunts and uncles and cousins who cared and helped each other. She could barely think of someone who had no one.

"Not…not that I know of," Bobby said flatly. "There were times…when I was younger…I tried to find and contact some people…But they didn't want anything to do with me…" The napkin lay in shreds next to his plate. "They were afraid of my Mom…or that my Dad wanted something…or Frank got to them first and took something…" He stared at the napkins' remains. "I just gave up after a while."

Alex tried desperately to think of something to comfort him.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said. "I'm ruining your breakfast."

"For God's sake, Bobby," Alex said gently. "The next few days should be about you."

"I…I just don't want to upset anyone…I just want to get through the next two days," he confessed.

"Like I said, Bobby…what can I do?" She reached for his hand.

"I…I don't know…I'm glad you're here…but I don't know…"

Alex slightly squeezed his hand. "I can call people…let them know what's going on. And I can just go with you in case you need me to get something."

He found another napkin and began twisting it. "You…you're willing to do that?"

"Of course." She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "And if I get in your way, you can even tell me to back off."

He shredded the napkin for a moment. "It…it'd be a big help."

"Ok," Alex said, not quite able to hide her relief. "This hotel a good place to stay?"

He stared at her in amazement. "You're…you're going to stay tonight?"

"Well, it struck me as a better idea than driving back and forth," Alex said calmly.

"Yea…I guess so." Bobby shook his head as if he were trying to dislodge a thought. "The hotel…nothing fancy, but it's fine…but let me pay for your room."

She didn't argue the point. Bobby had already conceded several points to her, and he seemed adamant about this one. And her credit cards were still recovering from the remodeling of her house.

The hotel staff appeared to be as familiar with Bobby as Martha. Alex was placed in a Spartan but clean room next to Bobby. He insisted on carrying her one bag to the room. He stared out the window as she hung her black suit in the closet. She knew that the view, pleasant as it was, was not the subject of his attention.

"Everyone is very nice," Alex said.

He started as if he'd forgotten she was in the room. "Uh…yea…They…they've had a lot of practice. A lot of the families stay here."

Alex turned to face him, and the fear and pain in his eyes pierced her to her core. She couldn't hold his gaze and looked away.

"I…I need to get some things from my room," Bobby said in a choked voice and lurched through the door.

Stunned, Alex stood in near the bed. "I…I failed him," she thought. "He turned to me…and I looked away." She squared her shoulders. "Well, I'm fighting for another chance…I'm not giving up."

She strode to Bobby's room and was about to knock when Bobby flung open the door. He stared at her in surprise; his rain coat was over his right arm and he carried his leather binder in his right.

"Uh…I…" he stammered.

"He's trying to run away," Alex thought. "Be careful…"

"Where you coming to get me?" she asked calmly.

As hurt as he was, he couldn't lie to her even when she gave him a chance. "I…I thought…you might be tired…"

"I thought," she said cautiously. "You wanted me to go with you."

"You…you're sure…"

"Yes."

He retreated. "Ok."

She wasn't used to letting Bobby drive, but he knew the area. There was scarcely a need to drive; the town was so small that a person could easily walk from one end to the other in a half hour or so. The one funeral home was located at roughly equal distance from the cemetery, the Catholic church, and the Methodist church, and Alex suspected it wasn't far away from any smaller, less recognizable religious institutions in the area. The undertaker was quietly professional, calm and efficient. Alex felt slightly awkward as she and Bobby entered the funeral home; it was clear that the undertaker's receptionist misunderstood exactly what sort of "partner" Alex was. Bobby, in spite of his own troubles, quickly read the situation and gently noted that Alex was his professional partner and friend. There were only a few details to be ironed out. The funeral and burial plans were already made and paid for, and Alex briefly wondered if it was Frances Goren in one of her more lucid moments or her son who had made the arrangements. As Bobby dealt with the paperwork, Alex stepped out of the office and checked her phone. There was a message from Ross acknowledging and thanking her for her earlier call and telling her not to worry about contacting him or work, and another from Lewis, also thanking her and telling her he would see her at the funeral.

"Deakins," Alex thought. "Of course…He'll want to know…" Taking a deep breath, she called her former Captain's home number. James Deakins had remained in her life after his forced retirement. He visited her several times in the hospital—her father told her that it was Deakins who'd revealed the identity of her attacker to her family—and Deakins and his wife had visited Alex several times at her home before she was allowed to return to work. Several cups of coffee followed, with the older man listening sympathetically to Alex's frustrations with her new captain and her partner. At several points Alex felt that these conversations were the only things that prevented her from pulling her gun on Ross and Bobby.

Deakins wasn't at home. He'd landed comfortably with a security firm after he left the NYPD, and was returning from a trip. But Angie Deakins was warm and sympathetic. She asked after Alex and Bobby's health and for the details of the services for Bobby's mother.

"We'll be there," she promised Alex. "Jimmy thinks a lot of you and Detective Goren. And I'll let other people know too."

"Thank you," Alex said. "I don't think Bobby believes anyone will come to the funeral…If people could come, I think it might mean a lot to him."

"I'll see what I can do," Angie answered.

Bobby emerged from the undertaker's office as Alex finished the call. He started when he saw her, as if he'd forgotten her existence.

"Everything taken care of?" Alex asked as they walked to the car. She thought that throughout the morning Bobby took one step towards her and two steps back.

"Yea," Bobby said.

The rest of the day continued with Alex feeling disconnected from but needed by Bobby. She accompanied him to the Catholic church—a huge edifice that dominated and appeared out of place in the town—and Bobby again appeared surprised to see he when he left his meeting with the priest.

"Bobby," she said gently.

He jerked to a stop on the church's steps. "I…I'm sorry," he said, not quite able to look at her.

"Remember," she said as they walked to his car. "It's not about me…Think of you."

For a moment, his great, dark sad eyes met hers. Alex steeled herself and fought to not look away. She glimpsed surprise and gratitude before he glanced away.

"What do you need to do now?" she asked.

"This morning…It's gone faster than I expected….Are you hungry?" He opened the car door for her. "The only thing I have left to do is to get my Mom's stuff…"

The car door and years of his defenses hung between them.

"I'm not really hungry," Alex said. She rested her small hand on his large one on the top of the car door. "Whatever you want me to do…"

The cold early spring wind, smelling of rain, blew over and around them. Sunlight flickered over them as clouds flew in and out to block the sun's rays.

"Please," Alex thought. "Please let me help you…Please let me be able to help you."

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "You're sure…you don't mind…coming with me…"

In spite of her fears and Bobby's pain, Alex felt a small bubble of triumph. "I'm here," she said quietly and firmly. "I want to be here and I want to help you."

He took a long, deep breath. "Ok…Ok…" He spoke to himself as much as he did to Alex. "I…I'd like you to come with me."

End Chapter Four


	5. Chapter 5

Well, the events of ENDGAME threw this fanfic out of the realm of possibility. But think if it as an alternate. As always, thanks for the reviews.

Chapter Five

He drove deliberately, hovering just at or below the speed limit. Alex had some sense that if she hadn't been with him he would've sped away from the town, the funeral, everything. Aside from driving the car, he was motionless.

She ventured a question. "How far away is the…" What was the correct term for a mental institution these days? "Hospital?"

"About ten or fifteen minutes," he answered after a beat, and some of the tension in his body seemed to leave with the words.

Encouraged, Alex asked another question. "What's it like?"

Some of the tension returned to his body, and his grip briefly tightened on the steering wheel.

"It…It's a good place," he finally answered. "The grounds are starting to get very beautiful right now. Some of the patients work on them. The doctors encourage it. My Mom…she worked on some of them every once in a while…" Bobby tilted his head in Alex's direction. "There…that fence…That's where the grounds start."

Alex turned to see a tall mesh fence.

"That," Bobby said softly. "Is there mostly to protect the patients…Very few of them are dangerous…And those usually under extreme stress…There's a special wing…"

He turned right on a narrow paved road lined by trees starting to leaf and bud. Through the car's slightly open windows, Alex smelled flowers, grass, and warm earth.

"It smells very different from the city," she said tentatively. "It's nice…"

"Yea," Bobby said. "I always liked that…when I noticed it."

They went around a long curve and a security gate appeared in front of them. Dressed in a dark blue shirt and khakis, the guard who stepped from the gatehouse might have been waiting to play a round of golf if not for his ID badge and paraphernalia around his belt.

"Damn," Bobby said softly as he slowed the car. "I forgot…to call to let them know I was coming now instead of tomorrow…"

In spite of his efforts to stay calm, he seemed to be terribly upset.

"They like to…know ahead of time…It helps with the patients…I know the rules…I should be able to follow them…" His fingers grew white with the tightening of his grip on the wheel.

"Bobby." Alex worked to keep her voice calm. "It'll be all right…If they can't let you take her things today, we can come back tomorrow."

He looked at her with surprise and gratitude and some of the tension again left his body.

"You're…you're right," he said as the guard approached the car. "It's just…I just want to get through this…"

It wasn't a problem. After expressing his sympathy, the guard sent them through. The trees surrounding the road gradually gave way to lovingly maintained lawns and flowers. Many people, attracted by the warm spring weather, were outside, some checking on the flowers, others riding bikes, some walking, some sitting on benches and reading or writing or drawing.

"How," Alex asked before she could stop herself. "Do you tell the patients from the staff?"

To her immense relief, a smile tugged at the corners of Bobby's mouth. "Dr. Shimo says sometimes it's not easy to tell them apart," he said softly. "Or to tell the friends and families from the patients."

He pulled into a parking lot next to a three story red brick building whose style indicated it dated from the 1920s or 1930s. Two less attractive but more functional and modern buildings flanked it.

"In general," he said as he eased the car into a spot. "If someone has an ID badge with a photo, he or she is on the staff. Someone with a paper ID is a visitor. No id, a patient." Bobby shook his head. "They tried to get the patients to accept photo IDs, but the paranoid ones weren't thrilled by the idea." He nodded towards the red brick building. "The oldest building is where the administrative and staff offices are. The one on the right houses the protective wing."

"Protection from or for the patients?" Alex asked. Talking about the hospital seemed to help Bobby.

The sad smile tugged again at Bobby's mouth. "A good deal of both," he said. He unbuckled his seatbelt. "The other building…the larger one…is where most of the patients are…" He slipped deeper behind his walls. "That's where my Mom spent most of the last twenty years…"

Alex knew she had felt this helpless before in her life, but she had difficulty remembering when. "I'm here," she said simply. "I'll do whatever you want me to do."

He looked at her with his dark, pain filled eyes, and Alex struggled to hold his gaze.

"I…" He wrestled with several thoughts. "Could you come in with me?" he asked in a rush. "There's not much stuff…but…I'd appreciate the help…"

"Of course," Alex said. She paused before she got out of the car. "And thank you."

Puzzled, Bobby looked at her.

"For trusting me," Alex said. "I know that's hard for you…to trust…"

He stared at his hands on the steering wheel. "I…none of this makes sense…I should be thanking you…"

She lightly touched his sleeve. "Remember…this is about you."

He took a deep breath. "Ok," he said, more to himself than to her. "Ok."

They climbed the worn steps into the center building. In contrast to its exterior, the interior was bright and modern. The receptionist, clearly familiar with Bobby, expressed a sympathy that to Alex seemed to go beyond the professional. She paged Dr. Shimo and provided Alex and Bobby with temporary badges. Bobby fidgeted with his as they waited for the psychiatrist.

"I'm sorry," he said to the receptionist. "I know I said I'd probably be in tomorrow…but things went faster than I expected…"

"It's not a problem, Mr. Goren," the young woman said. "I would appreciate it if you could let me know the details about the services for your mother. Some of the staff and your mother's friends would like to come…if you don't mind."

"Of course," Bobby said quickly. "If they can…" His head drooped. "I…I can't imagine that there will be much of a crowd."

"You might be surprised," the young woman said.

Alex looked at the receptionist and realized that she, in common with everyone she and Bobby had encountered through the day, felt a great deal of affection and sympathy for him. "And he doesn't know it…see it," Alex thought. "He's full of insight about everyone but knows nothing about this."

"Robert." A short, bald, slightly pudgy man with a warm smile who resembled a statue of Buddha appeared at the desk. "How are you?"

"Dr. Shimo," Bobby said. "This…is my friend, Alex Eames."

Alex noted that Bobby avoided the doctor's question, and she was fairly certain the psychiatrist did as well.

"It's good to meet you, Ms. Eames," Shimo said. "Robert has mentioned you many times and brought photos with you to his mother."

Bobby shifted uncomfortably.

Alex had two reactions to psychiatrists and psychologists. There were the creepy ones, who babbled about feelings and conditions with strange, frightening names and struck Alex as emotional vampires—the woman with the cats eye glasses and frazzled brown hair the department sent Alex to after her husband's death fell into this category. The others were the quiet, sympathetic listeners who offered sympathetic ears and common sense—Alex put her current therapists in that box, and she was strongly in favor of placing Dr. Shimo there as well.

"We have your mother's things ready for you in the conference room," Dr. Shimo said as they walked through the corridors. "I thought it might be easier for you to through them there. You're more than welcome to check her room to be sure we got everything."

Bobby nodded. Alex watched as he disappeared again behind his defenses.

Dr. Shimo opened the door to a room containing a large table surrounded by several chairs. Its large window offered a pleasant view of the gardens. A half dozen boxes sat on the table.

"I'll leave you," Dr. Shimo said. "Just let someone know if you need anything…And…please…let me know before you go…"

Bobby nodded and stared at the boxes.

"Robert," Dr. Shimo said as he turned to go. "You've always tried to do the right thing. I don't think I've ever known a caretaker who tried to learn so much and to be so understanding."

Bobby stared at his shoes. "Thank you," he said so softly that Alex could scarcely hear him.

"I'll see you before you go," Dr. Shimo said. "I have the evening shift."

Bobby stared at the boxes for several minutes after the psychiatrist left. His hand began to rub the back of his neck.

"Are you sure that you don't want to get some lunch?" Alex could still barely hear him.

"It's a little late for lunch…And I'm not hungry." The thought that she might be an intruder struck her. "Bobby…Do you want me to leave?"

He turned away from her, and she saw him tremble.

"I…I don't what…I…I'm afraid," he confessed.

She moved cautiously towards him. "What are you afraid of?"

The trembling increased. "Me," he whispered. "I'm afraid of me."

She stepped closer to him "I…I don't think I understand."

He stiffened and struggled to stop shaking. "I don't understand, either," he said in a flat voice. He rushed behind his walls.

Alex decided against trying to attack those walls at that moment. "Look…whatever is going to happen…This time tomorrow…It'll be over…"

He titled his head towards her. "Yea," he said. "Everything ends."

She didn't like the words or the way he said them. "And then there's a chance for a new start."

"Maybe," he said after a moment. "And that can be more terrifying than the ending."

She stepped so close to him that she could easily touch him. "Bobby." She tried to keep the fear out of her voice. "You…I can't imagine what you're going through…But…like I've said…I'm here…"

He took a deep breath and turned slightly in her direction. "I…I know…I'm grateful…I…" He stared at the floor.

"Why don't we get started on sorting these things?" She hated how feeble the words and her voice sounded. "Maybe…well, at least it'll give us something to do…"

Frances Goren possessed pitifully few earthly goods. Her clothing consisted largely of sweatsuits, pajamas and gowns ("They are…were…easier for her to get in and out of," Bobby said in answer to Alex's unsaid question. "And with the cancer treatment and the hospital…"). There were some nice shampoos, bath soaps and gels, and perfumes ("Some of the few things she always enjoyed," Bobby told her). There were some bright but disconcerting paintings ("From some of her roommates," Bobby said. "Some of them went home."), a few photographs and books.

Bobby moved through the boxes methodically, setting aside most of the materials to leave at the hospital. Alex opened one box to find a carefully and brightly wrapped package.

"Bobby…what's this?" She held up the package for his inspection.

Bobby turned to look at her and jerked as if he'd been struck. His hand flew to his mouth.

Alex dropped the package back in the box and reached out to him. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"It…It's…" His voice was thick. "The birthday present I gave her…her last…last birthday…She…she never…"

Alex's heart shattered and she feared she might break down. "No," she thought. "Hold it together…for him…" She reached out to him again, but Bobby jerked away.

"No," he growled. Seeing her stunned face, guilt flooded him. "I'm sorry," he whispered and stumbled away from her. "I'm sorry…I didn't…Oh, God, Alex…I'm sorry…"

Alex took a deep breath. "Hey," she said. "I think you're allowed some anger right now."

"But…not at you.." His voice was a ragged whisper. "Not at you."

"Ok…maybe not at me…But it's not like we can call Ross and let you yell at him."

Bobby rocked on his feet and finally looked at her. "Yea…highly impractical…" He stared at the offending package.

"Hey," Alex said. "We're pretty much done…I can take the things you want to keep to the car…And you can talk and visit the people you need to…" She sensed Bobby needed to do some things alone.

"You…you're sure you wouldn't mind waiting?" His obvious relief told Alex her senses were right.

"Absolutely…I might take a walk…I've got a book…You take your time." Alex picked up the one box with items Bobby wanted to keep; it was terribly light.

Bobby picked up the birthday present from its perch. "Might as well give this to someone," he said. "Someone who'll want it…"

She was glad he couldn't see the tears in her eyes.

It was early evening when Alex carried the box from the building. The grounds were quiet and the parking lot half empty. Grey clouds had replaced the sunshine of the morning, and the wind had an edge to it. "I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow," Alex thought. She placed the box in Bobby's car, and sat in the passenger seat, unsure of what she should do. She'd suggested he continue on alone because she felt increasingly confused and frustrated. He appeared to want and need her; he was certainly grateful for her presence, but also pulled away from her. Alex sighed and decided to check her phone. There were concerned messages from Ross and her father; she returned them, leaving a message for Ross and reaching her mother.

Unlike her father, who accepted her partnership with Bobby, Alex's mother was at best skeptical. She found him charming and polite and appreciated his size and strength, but also tended to heed the rumors about Bobby. When Alex was in the hospital after Jo Gage's attack, her mother hadn't gone so far as to physically attack Bobby, but she didn't welcome his presence. Bobby simply avoided her or disappeared when she visited. When Alex returned home, her mother expressed considerable frustration with her daughter's refusal to take things easy or to consider leaving the NYPD or Bobby. Alex's conversation with her mother this day was a difficult one. Her mother couldn't—or wouldn't—understand why Alex was at Carmel Ridge.

"Alexandra…After everything that's happened. I know you weren't leave the department…but I don't know why you're doing all of this for this man…"

Alex tried to remember that her mother was as baffled by her daughter as her daughter was by her.

"He's my partner…and my friend…"

"I've never understood why," her mother sighed. "But your father and I will be there for the funeral…If you care so much about this man, and your father respects him so much, there must be a great deal of good about him."

Alex's heart softened. "Thanks, Mom. I'm not sure I understand it myself…But he's a good man."

She'd just said goodbye to her mother when Bobby, accompanied by Dr. Shimo, emerged from the hospital. Bobby shook the psychiatrist's hand and stepped slowly down the steps to the parking lot. When he reached the car and opened the door, he stared at her for a moment as if he'd forgotten she was with him. He was pale and vibrated with tension. After a beat he held out the keys to her. "Could…could you…"

"Of course." Alex reached for the keys, and their hands brushed. He dropped the keys in her hand.

"Thank you," he said softly.

He sat huddled in the passenger seat as Alex maneuvered the car through the grounds. Bobby didn't speak until they were back on the main road to town.

"I…I always wondered what it would be like to leave this place for the last time," he said. "And now…"

Alex glanced at him.

"And now…" His voice was low. "I don't know what I feel."

It was nearly dark, and the trees cast long shadows over the road.

"Can I buy you some dinner?" His voice startled her. "You must be starving."

"Sure," she said. "I'm a little hungry." In truth, she'd been hungry for a couple of hours. "What are our choices?"

"Not many," Bobby admitted. "There's the diner…a couple of fast food places…And a sorta bar/steakhouse on the other side of town."

"Well, let's go with the other local establishment," Alex said cheerfully. "Unless you know of a reason to avoid it."

Bobby's vague description didn't do the Welcome Tavern justice. It was a motley but friendly combination of a family restaurant with a bar attached. Alex felt she deserved something for her efforts during the day, and opted for a margarita. Bobby ordered some dark amber liquid. It was not the best timing that their drinks arrived well ahead of their food, or that Bobby and Alex each ordered a second, and Bobby a third. As she started to eat her salad, Alex realized she had more than a slight buzz, and that Bobby, in spite of his large size, was probably feeling the alcohol as well. He'd scarcely eaten breakfast, and barely touched the good looking steak set before him.

"I guess," Alex said warily. "I'm driving."

Bobby looked up at her guiltily. He'd ordered one more drink as the food arrived. "I…I'm sorry." He rubbed his eyes. "I guess I'm trying to numb myself…"

She touched his hand lightly. "Just be careful…You don't want to have a hangover tomorrow."

He smiled bitterly. "Yea…wouldn't want to show up at my Mom's funeral with a hangover…be like something out of a Eugene O'Neil play."

He switched to iced tea, but he'd drunk enough quickly enough that by the time they were ready to leave he was slightly unsteady on his feet and his words blurring together. Alex gently suggested coffee, but he shook his head.

"You know what happens, Eames…You give a drunk coffee, and all you've got is a wide awake drunk.

He didn't protest when she guided him out of the restaurant and to the car. He wordlessly handed her the keys and dropped into the passenger seat. He fumbled with the seat belt, and Alex reached to help him. He jerked away from her. "No," he growled, and raised his hand to his face. "I…I'm sorry…"

"It's ok," she said. "Please…just let me help you."

He relaxed, and she carefully snapped the belt.

She hoped that he might fall asleep on the drive to the hotel, but found she was the one fighting sleep as the long day caught up with her.

"Alex…are you ok?" Bobby's soft, concerned voice broke out of the dark corner.

She tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn. "Just a long day," she said. "But it's not far…Just talk to me."

Bobby's hand covered his face. "What…what do you want to talk about?"

She could feel the exhaustion and pain pouring from him, and she searched for a topic that might be safe.

"Baseball." It was the source of frequent, friendly debates between them. Bobby was a Mets fan, Alex a Yankee follower.

"Baseball." He gave her a weary smile. "I don't have the slightest idea of what's going on this season. Enlighten me."

For the rest of the drive, Alex revealed everything she knew about recent developments in New York City baseball, and Bobby listened, or at least appeared to listen, to her. Her knowledge held out until they reached the hotel. Silence fell over them as they walked to their neighboring rooms.

"Do you want to talk…anything?" Alex asked as Bobby pulled out his key card.

He hesitated, and Alex again suffered the sense of Bobby pulling at her and pushing her away.

"It's been…a rough day…And tomorrow." He swallowed.

"Tell me again…what time do we need to get up?" She was reluctant to break their contact.

"The…the Mass is at ten…There's visitation…If anyone comes…starting at nine...I should be at the funeral home about eight-thirty."

"We should be up by seven or so," Alex said.

"You…don't have to come with me…You can come later…"

She lightly touched his arm. "I'm here…I want to help you."

"Ok."

"If you need me tonight," she said. "I'm right here." She wanted desperately to stay with him.

"I…I know," he said in a low, strained voice. "Goodnight, Alex." He opened the door and turned to her. "Thank you."

In her room, Alex checked her suit, took a shower and aimlessly flipped through the TV channels. She kept the sound low so that she could hear any noise from Bobby's room. Her eyes closed, her body drooped against the pillows, and the remote slid from her hands.

Bobby stared in the room and tried to get his bearings. He was still numbed by the alcohol and grateful for it, but reality was digging its claws on the edges of his mind. For a moment he wished he'd picked up a bottle of something and even considered leaving the room to get something—anything—that would sustain the numbness. But he was too tired, and the thought of showing up at his mother's funeral with a hangover or worse sickened him. He dragged his body into the shower, set the head to pulverize, and turned the water on as hard and hot as he could. He wanted to cry, but he was empty, drained, and without any hope of renewal. He left the shower before he became a red prune, dried his body, and slipped on boxers and a T-shirt. He brushed his teeth, desperately trying to take refuge in the mundane action. He set the alarm and also called the front desk to ask for a wakeup call—tomorrow was not a morning to be late—and fell on the bed. He clicked off the lamp and prepared to try to ride out the storms in his mind.

He was half-asleep when he heard it. He shook his head and sat up, and cocked his head to listen carefully. He heard it again and recognized the sound. It was Alex, and it was a cry of distress.

End Chapter Five


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

It was terribly cold and dark. Alex felt as if a frozen blanket wrapped her. Something slick and sticky covered the ground, and she struggled to keep her balance. Light blazed in front of her, briefly blinding her. She stumbled toward the light. Whatever covered the ground grew thicker as she moved closer to the light's source. She fought to stand and stared at her hands; crimson goo covered them. "Blood," she muttered. "It's blood." Something heavy and wet dripped on her head, and she looked up to discover Bobby's body hanging over her. Great gashes marked his body, and blood streamed from them. She screamed.

A terrible pounding reached her through her screaming and sleep. She fought the damp tangle of sheets surrounding her.

"Alex!" Bobby's frightened voice joined the pounding. "Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"Oh, God," Alex thought. "I woke him up…Probably woke up the whole hotel…" She struggled out of the bed, but her right leg caught in the sheets and she fell on the floor.

"Ow!" she yelled.

"Alex!" Bobby's voice grew increasingly frantic. "Are you ok? Alex!"

She kicked her foot free of the sheet and lurched to her feet. "If I didn't wake up everyone, he will," she thought and stumbled to the door.

"I'm all right," she called. She slipped the chain free and unbolted the lock. She swung the door open to reveal a deeply worried Bobby, dressed in his T-shirt and boxers, one hand raised to knock on the door and the other holding his gun. For a moment, Alex didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the sight.

"Alex…you're hurt." He reached out to touch her chin, and Alex realized she'd managed to bite her lip hard enough to draw blood.

"Oh, Damn!" she said. "Here, for God's sake get in here before everyone sees you."

He followed her into the room and placed the gun next to the TV. "Yea…I guess I do look kinda ridiculous." He ran a hand through his hair. "Are you ok? I thought I heard you…"

"It's nothing," Alex said hastily. "Just a bad dream. I can handle it. You should get back to bed."

Bobby studied. Alex was doing a good job of controlling her voice and body, but her hair was damp with sweat. He looked at the bed, where a wrestling match appeared to have just occurred.

"You had a bad dream," he said thoughtfully. "One of…"

"Don't worry, Bobby." Alex turned to the room's closet and began to rummage through it for extra sheets. "It was just a dream…Go back to your room and get some sleep."

He stepped tentatively to her. "Which one was it?" he asked gently.

"I…I don't remember…Please, Bobby…you need some rest…"

"Alex," he said wryly. "The chances of my getting any real sleep are pretty low. If I'm going to be awake, I might as well help you."

She stared up at the closet's highest shelves. "Oh, Damn…They would be up there…" She reached as high as she could, but the bedclothes were just out of her reach.

"I can help you," Bobby said as he moved closer to her.

"You'd think…" Alex jumped to try to reach the shelf. "They'd know a short person would occasionally stay in this room and need an extra sheet."

"I can reach them…"

"No! I'm supposed to be helping you!" Alex cried out.

Puzzled, Bobby looked at her. He touched her lightly on the shoulder, and Alex spun to face him. "No!" she cried again and slapped her hand against his chest. He grunted more in surprise than pain."

"Alex…"

"No! No!" She raised her hands again and let them collapse by her sides. She began to cry. "No…no…"

"Alex," Bobby said gently and wrapped his arms around her.

She struggled for a moment, but he was too warm, too safe, too strong. He guided her to the bed and tenderly sat her on it. He held her and made small, comforting circles on her back as she cried.

"Sh-sh," he said softly. "It's ok…Don't worry."

"I…I'm sorry…so sorry…Tonight…of all nights…" she blubbered.

"Alex…Like I told you…I'm not getting any real sleep anyway." He touched her chin lightly. "This at least lets me help you a little."

She stopped crying. "Happy to oblige," she said in a strained voice.

He held her so that his chin rested lightly on her head. "So, which one was it?"

"It…it was the one…where…where you…you're being hurt…" She hated the weakness in her voice.

"That one." His voice rumbled in her ears. "That one always upsets you a lot."

"Yea," Alex said shakily. "I can deal with things happening to me…but you…"

His lips brushed her hair. "I'm sorry I haven't been helping you much lately."

"Bobby…for heaven's sake…I'm not your responsibility."

"But I'm yours?" he asked softly.

She meant to give him a peck on the cheek, but he turned his head as she moved. Instead of his rough stubble she found his large, full lips. Her body flushed with want and need, and she saw his eyes widen and flame. Bobby was suddenly kissing her, kissing her with so much passion that Alex thought she might be dying and then thought she didn't care if she was. His right hand held her head, his fingers sending sparks thought her hair.

The world spun around him. "Alex, Alex," he thought. "She's here…she's mine…Oh, God…please…" The spinning ended, and his mind cleared. "No…No…Stop…This is Alex…She trusts you…She lets you sleep next to her because she knows that you'll protect her…Oh, God…What…What am I…" He jerked away, his arms dropping at his sides.

Alex gasped at the abrupt loss of contact and clutched Bobby. "What…Bobby?" His eyes were staring at the bed. "Oh, God," she thought. "He thinks…What are we doing? But I want him…need him…love him…"

Before he could pull away from her, Alex wrapped her arms around his neck.

"It's all right," she whispered. "Whatever you want…Whatever you need…Please…let me help you…I want to help you…I…I…" She gently pulled his head down; his eyes were tightly shut. "Please…open your eyes, Bobby…See me…"

He shook. "I…I can't…If I open them…"

"You can't hurt me," Alex said firmly. "You're incapable of hurting me…You are a…good man…a good son…"

His eyes sprang open, and the pain and the passion and the love in them shook Alex to her core. She forced herself to hold his gaze.

Bobby looked in Alex's eyes and found compassion and love. "I can't…can't fight it…her…I don't want to…fight it…"

They desperately kissed each other.

She was on the bed, with Bobby draped over her. His hands and mouth created flames on her body.

"Alex…beautiful, wonderful Alex…Forgive me…Forgive me…Please…Please help me…help me…Please…let me get lost…Please…" The words flooded from him.

"Bobby," Alex gasped. "Oh…please…"

Bobby hesitated in his devotions to her body. He raised his head. "Alex?"

"Bobby." She gently gripped his head between her hands. "It's all right…I want you…"

He shook his head. "No…No…This isn't right."

Alex took a deep breath and reached for the bottom of her T-shirt. "It's all right," she said, proud her voice didn't shake. She pulled the shirt up and over her head.

Bobby gasped. "Alex…You're…You're so beautiful…So wonderful…I…I…"

Alex reached for him. "Please…come to me, Bobby…Please…let me love you…let me…"

"Alex!" he cried and fell into her arms. He was everywhere, touching, kissing, stroking her body with a need that terrified and thrilled her. At some point he removed her pajama bottoms; at another, she managed to get his boxers off. He had dreamed of her, wanted her, for so long. Now that she was with him, the reality was greater, more wonderful than any thing he imagined. He was lost in her—lost in the smell and touch of her—in the smell of her skin and the soft coos and cries of her mouth. For the first time in months, Bobby's mind wasn't full of fear and anger and pain. His mother, his brother, all of his past were gone. There was only Alex—beautiful, wonderful Alex. He wanted to pace himself, to memorize her body and her responses, but it had been so long since he'd been with anyone, and now he was with her. He was insider her almost before he knew what happened. He heard her cry out, and he responded with a shout of his own. "I may be hurting her," he vaguely thought, but his body was too far ahead of his mind. He thrust one, two, three times, desperately trying to think of her, to please her. As the most intense orgasm of his life threw him into oblivion, he thought he heard a cry.

He was at peace. For the first time in months, perhaps years, he was at peace. He rested in her arms. She was soft and warm and lovely, and his mind filled only with her. No thoughts buzzed in his head like angry bees. Sex had brought him oblivion and exhaustion in the past, but this gave him a profound sense of joy he'd never experienced. Alex moved slightly beneath him, and Bobby realized he'd collapsed on her. He raised his body on shaky arms and slipped as gently and carefully as he could from her. Alex made a sound that might have indicated either pain or pleasure—perhaps both—and he stared down at her.

"Oh, no!" he thought. "What have I done? The night before…the morning of…my mother's funeral…My partner…My best friend…The best thing…The one, true thing…The one good thing in my life…I've hurt her…Oh, God…What have I become?"

"Bobby." Her voice was soft and kind and gentle. He didn't understand. Why wasn't she angry or afraid? Why hadn't she kicked him out of the bed and headed for the phone to call the police?

"Please…" he whispered. "I'm sorry…so sorry…"

"Bobby," she began.

"Please…Please…Wait until after…after the funeral…I'll…I'll turn myself in…Just…please wait…"

"Bobby." Alex fought to keep her voice calm. "What are you talking about?"

"I…I hurt you." His voice was muffled by the pillow, but Alex thought he was crying. "I…I'm sorry…"

Alex touched him on the shoulder; he shuddered. "Bobby…look at me."

"I…I can't…Not after what I…"

She pressed against his shoulder. "You did not hurt me…The only way you ever hurt me is when you shut me out…Like you're doing now…"

He gave way to the pressure and rolled on his back. His chest heaved with his effort to control his tears. One arm was flung over his eyes. Alex tenderly rested a hand on his chest.

"Bobby…look at me…"

He shook his head. She pulled his arm away from his eyes. His eyes remained tightly shut, but she could see tears glistening on his lashes.

"Bobby," she said again. "You did not hurt me…Far from it…"

He blinked and looked at her. He tentatively reached to touch her chin.

Alex rested on Bobby's chest. "This was a mutual thing."

"I…I…" He seized the strength and love he saw in Alex's eyes. "I'm so…It's all…so much…But…Thank you…I…when…when we were making love…and right after…I…I don't know when…I've never been so happy…so at peace…Thank you…"

Alex couldn't stop her tears. Bobby gently brushed them off her cheeks.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," he said.

Alex smiled at him. "It…was wonderful for me, too. I don't want to sound silly…but it was…the best…just…" She shrugged. "Just great."

"I'm glad," Bobby said. "I wasn't very considerate."

"Well," Alex said. "If you can do that to me when you're not being considerate, I'm not sure I could survive it if you were."

He smiled at her, and Alex thrilled as she saw the Bobby of before his mother's last illness. A shadow appeared in his eyes.

"But…the day of…What have I done?"

"Bobby," Alex said softly. "I was in on this too."

Bobby shivered, and Alex realized the sheets were tangled and damp. "We should change the bed if we're going to get some sleep."

"The bed in my room is ok," Bobby said. "If you want…"

He sat on the bed and was suddenly shy. He grabbed his clothes and tried to avoid looking at Alex.

"It's not like you haven't seen me," Alex said gently.

He tilted his head toward her and handed her clothes to her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I…I'm confused."

Alex slipped the T-shirt over her head. "Between you and me, I'm a little overwhelmed myself." She was stunned by how calm she sounded and felt. She'd just made love with her partner—her deeply troubled partner who was about to bury his mother—but she felt no shame, no guilt, or fear. "It finally happened," she thought. "And it couldn't have happened at a worse time…But…no matter what happens…I'm glad it did…"

Alex followed Bobby into his room. "You're sure," he said as he pulled back the covers of the bed. "I didn't…"

"You didn't hurt me," Alex said as she slipped between the sheets. She looked up at Bobby. "No matter what…I will never regret it. I'm glad it happened."

Bobby turned off the light and lay beside her. He wrapped his arms around her.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. It's a terrible time. But…But it was wonderful…You're wonderful…The best thing that ever happened to me…But…I …I can't see beyond tomorrow…I…want to be honest with you…I…I…"

She held him tightly. "Let's just get through tonight and tomorrow, ok? Just remember that I'm here."

He took a deep breath. "Ok."

END CHAPTER SIX


	7. Chapter 7

As always, many thanks for the reviews. This chapter ends a bit abruptly, but it was simply getting too long.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Alex woke with a start. For a few moments she couldn't remember where she was and wondered if her memories of the previous night were the result of a particularly vivid dream. As her mind cleared, she stretched and reached for Bobby, but his side of the bed was rumpled and unoccupied. A wave of panic swept over her, but disappeared when the smell of coffee reached her. She sat up carefully and saw Bobby sitting in one of the chairs at the room's table. He was dressed in a crisp white shirt, a black silk tie, and the pants from his best black suit. The jacket from that suit hung on the chair's back. Bobby stared at the table, his hands wrapped around a coffee cup. He had shaved and his hair was neatly combed, but the dark circles under his eyes stood out in vivid contrast to his pale skin. It was a mark of his concentration that he failed to notice Alex get out of the bed and walk towards him. She was nearly by his side before he became aware of her.

"Hey," he said softly. "You…you want some coffee?" He stood. "Or you could go back to bed. You don't have to get up for a while."

All of his defenses were up and in full operation. "Coffee," Alex said carefully. "Definitely coffee." She might not try a full frontal assault, but she certainly wasn't going to retreat.

He moved to get her a cup from the small pot provided in the room. "There's not much sugar," he apologized in a soft, strained voice.

Alex sat at the table. The air was slightly chilly, and she would've liked to have more on than just her T-shirt and underwear, but she wasn't going to leave the room. "It'll get me through until we go the breakfast," she said evenly.

Moving as if he were on automatic pilot, Bobby brought her coffee. As he handed the cup to her, their hands brushed and their eyes met. Bobby reeled away from her as if he'd been struck. He stopped in front of the room's window, one hand furiously rubbing the back of his neck.

"Bobby." Alex stood and walked to him.

His right hand shot up to stop her. "I…I'm sorry, Alex…After what…what you gave me last night…"

Her heart lifted. He acknowledged her gift; he valued it.

"I owe you so much…But…but if I'm going to get through this day…I…I…" His shoulders slumped. "It's not fair…not at all fair to you…But the only way I can get through this…" His hand fell.

Alex gently touched his back. She felt his muscles and nerves vibrate beneath the soft cotton. He spun and wrapped his arms around her.

"I…I don't know," he choked. "I don't know if I can do this."

She held him. "I'll be there…and others," she said, trying to reassure both of them. "We'll help…We'll be there." She brushed her hand across his short curls. "C'mon…I'll shower and get dressed, and we can get some breakfast. You need some food. You've barely eaten anything since I got here."

He shook and took a deep breath. "Ok."

Alex started to leave his room. "I have to warn you," Bobby said. "I…I may not…I know I won't…give you the attention you deserve today…I…I'll need to concentrate on…" He waved a hand.

"It's ok," Alex said patiently. "After all of this…Then we can talk. I understand. You do what you need to today."

"I…I don't deserve you…"

"Yes, you do," Alex said firmly. "You are a good man…"

He turned away from her so that she couldn't see the tears in his eyes.

"Just give me time to get ready," she said gently. "Then you can buy me breakfast."

As she showered and dressed, Alex prayed to the God whose intentions and actions she hadn't understood since she was ten. "Please…forgive me for what I did…if it was wrong…It couldn't have been wrong…I don't know if I need to ask for forgiveness…But…please…please…let me help him…"

She moved quickly, afraid that Bobby might bolt from the hotel. He didn't; Alex found him standing in his room staring out the window. He'd put on his jacket, and his face looked very pale in contrast to the black suit. Alex felt as lost and confused as Bobby looked.

"Hey," she said.

He titled his head in the direction of her voice. "Hey."

"Ready for some breakfast?"

"Not really," he admitted. "I don't think I'm ready for anything…but I don't have much choice…" He faced her. "You look great."

"So do you…aside from the lack of sleep," Alex answered. "I think," she added tentatively. "Your Mom would be very proud…"

"Thank you," he said after a beat. "We…we should go…"

There was a brief discussion over how many and then which car to take and then who should drive, although Bobby gave in easily to Alex's insistence that she drive and he ride with her. It was early, and Alex grateful that the diner was open. There were few patrons, and the waitress quickly took and delivered their orders.

"Where's Martha?" Bobby asked as the young woman deposited the plates on the table. "Is she ok?"

"Oh, she's fine," the waitress replied. "She asked me to trade shifts with her this morning. Said she had something to do."

Bobby nodded and returned to his dark study of the restaurant's parking lot. He ate very little, much less than Alex, who managed only a few bites herself. The words he addressed to the waitress were some of the few he uttered throughout the meal. His silence continued on the short drive to the funeral home. They arrived in plenty of time; it was just after eight when Alex carefully parked. Bobby sat motionless in the passenger seat.

"Your brother," Alex ventured. "Will he be here?"

Bobby fumbled with the door handle. "I don't know," he said. "He knows…but he also knows Mom didn't have any money…But he did come to see her after he found that out…"

He stepped out of the car. The weather was uncertain, with light sunshine alternating with great, dark clouds. The wind gusted occasionally, and Bobby blamed his shivering on those gusts.

"Alex," he said hesitantly. "Would you…could you…here and at the church…sit next to me?"

"Of course," she said, deeply aware of the trust he placed in her. "Whatever you want."

"What I want," he said sadly as they walked to the entrance. "Is to go home and hide…but that's not an option."

They were early, but the funeral director was ready and greeted them at the door. In common with many other funeral homes in small towns, this one was a large, old house that must have been one of the town's jewels fifty years ago. The hallway still bore some of the home's elegance, including an elaborate chandelier that Alex suspected was more glass than crystal. The sickeningly sweet smell of too many hot house flowers and the sound of muted organ music reminded Alex of all of the funerals she'd attended. The director guided them to a room on the left. Bobby was just in front of Alex, and as he entered the room he stopped so quickly that Alex nearly slammed into his broad back.

"Bobby? What is it?" she asked anxiously.

He lurched to the side so that she could enter the room. Alex had rarely seen so many flowers. They surrounded the casket and extended from it around the room's walls. Bobby, stunned, stood with his fist to his mouth.

"There have also been many gifts to the Carmel Ridge hospital and the Mental Health Society," the funeral director said gently. "I have those, and a few other things if you wouldn't mind coming to my office, Mr. Goren. Or we could wait…"

"Now," Bobby managed to say. "I'd like to get it done." He remembered Alex. "If…if you don't mind, Eames."

"Of course it's all right," Alex said. "Eames," she thought. "Now he calls me Eames."

She walked around the room and examined the flowers. There was a large, disconcertingly cheerful arrangement from Lewis; a tasteful and subdued one from the Deakins family; and several from different Major Case Squad members. One of the largest bouquets represented the entire Squad, and several others from other NYPD branches dotted the room. Alex smiled when she saw Ron Carver's name on one of the cards, and started and smiled when she saw M.E. Rodgers' name on another. Ross had made a contribution, as well as several members of the Brass. One particularly elegant arrangement of spring flowers bore Alex's family's name. There were many names she didn't recognize, but Alex guessed these flowers came from the staff and patients at Carmel Ridge.

Bobby, clutching several envelopes, entered the room. He looked lost for a moment.

"Here," Alex said gently. "I can put those in my purse."

"Thank you," he said and handed the cards to her without looking at her.

He stepped to the casket and stood with one fist in front of his mouth. Alex approached him carefully. She had never met his mother, and, if pressed, would have to confess that her view of Frances Goren was not a positive one. She knew the woman suffered from a terrible and unpredictable illness, but Alex only saw how this haunted and plagued Bobby. And she couldn't get the sight of that unwrapped birthday present out of her mind.

Alex had seen one or two pictures of Bobby's mother, and her first impression on viewing those was that there was little physical resemblance between the mother and son. A closer look revealed that the two shared the same long, dark eyelashes. More importantly, Alex learned from Bobby's few words that his mother provided the sparks for his great passions for reading and acquiring knowledge. She also strongly suspected that Frances Goren was responsible for Bobby's strong senses of compassion and justice.

Dressed in a neat, crisp, pale blue suit, Frances Goren's body lay in a simple casket. White rosary beads weaved in and out of her long, elegant fingers, and Alex recognized another quality the mother shared with the son. Her body was terribly thin, and Alex suspected the short black hair was a wig, but her face possessed a remarkably peaceful expression.

Bobby hadn't moved since he stepped in front of the casket.

"She…she looks peaceful," Alex said and immediately cursed herself for saying the sort of thing she hated to hear at funerals.

He jerked his head in her direction as if he'd forgotten her presence. "She…she lost so much weight," he said. His voice was calm, but Alex heard the strain in his words. "The last week…I don't think she ate anything…Frank…Frank was actually worried about it…He told me…But I wouldn't…I talked to the doctors and nurses and they agreed that the feeding tube wouldn't be a good idea…Frank…I don't know if he agreed…" He was suddenly aware of the flowers. "Where…where did all these come from?" he said in wonder.

"Everywhere," Alex said gently.

Bobby walked from one arrangement to the next. "I…I don't understand," he muttered, stunned by the number of bouquets and their sources. "Why…They didn't know her…"

"They know her son," Alex said softly.

Bobby stared at the flowers.

The priest arrived a few minutes before nine. He spoke briefly with Bobby, and then entered into a consultation with the funeral director. Others soon followed, and Bobby grew more and more stunned as more and more people entered the funeral home. Lewis was one of the first; he apologized awkwardly but sincerely to Bobby for not being in touch with him during his mother's illness.

"Whatever you need, man," he said warmly and patted Bobby on the back before he turned to Alex "Detective Alex," he said. "I'm glad you're here with him." Bobby was greeting more people. "How is he?"

Alex heard those words a lot in the next hour. A stream of people paraded past her; some she recognized—the older man who knew so much about horseracing, the biker guy with a knowledge of tattoos, the rabbi, the guy who worked at the Smithsonian (and just happened to be on of the museum's directors). Odafin Tutuola, accompanied by his partner John Munch, arrived. Alex knew that Fin and Bobby became close when they worked Narcotics together, but Munch's presence baffled her enough that she asked the detective why he came. Munch shrugged his shoulders.

"I met Goren through Fin. First time I met him, he shot down all of my conspiracy theories in a couple of hours. Then I spent a couple of hours shooting down his explanations. And he didn't mind. I like Goren." Munch shrugged again. "And Fin wanted some company and I have plenty of black suits."

People continued to arrive. Martha from the diner appeared, and Alex relaxed this was the "thing" she had to do. Alex expected Ross, but not his careful and gentle approach with Bobby. She didn't expect to see much of the Major Case Squad to arrive with Mike Logan and Megan Wheeler leading them.

"I owe him," Logan explained to Alex.

"He's been very kind to me," Wheeler added.

The appearance of Carolyn Barek didn't surprise Alex. She knew something of Bobby and Carolyn's brief relationship that ended at the same time Carolyn left Major Case for the NYPD's antiterrorism squad. Bobby said very little about the breakup—he rarely spoke at all about any relationship—but Alex sensed at the time that this event deeply hurt him. Alex talked briefly with Carolyn around the time of the relationship's collapse; all Carolyn would say was, "He won't let me help him…and there's someone…" As she stood watching Carolyn move towards Bobby, Alex realized with a shock that that "someone" was Alex Eames. Bobby was as stunned to see Carolyn as he had been to see everyone else, and he was even more shocked by her gentle hug.

As Carolyn turned to her, Alex felt transparent for the first time that morning. No one else knew both her and Bobby well enough to detect what happened between them the previous night. Carolyn possessed the intelligence, instincts, and knowledge to read them.

"Alex…How are you?" If she suspected anything, Carolyn hid it well.

"Ok," Alex answered. "Aside from worrying about Bobby."

Carolyn turned to look sadly at Bobby. "He's got all of his defenses up…It must be costing him a lot," she said.

"Yea." Alex and Carolyn shared a sympathetic look before another person approached Alex.

The stream of people continued. Several members of the Carmel Ridge staff, led by Dr. Shimo, appeared, along with several patients. Bobby treated the patients with great care and respect, showing no sign of embarrassment when one gave him an overly long hug and another burst into wild tears when she saw him. Ron Carver arrived to surprise Bobby. Danny Ross and James Deakins arrived at the same time; true to her word, Angie Deakins accompanied her husband. Alex glanced around the crowded room. Bobby had always kept his life in strict, separate sections. In the last days of his mother's life, those boundaries were smashed and destroyed until all of the sections bled together to join in this room.

A commotion started at the front door, and Alex watched Bobby's brother stagger into the room. Sensing he might need support, Alex moved closer to Bobby.

"Frank," he said warily.

"Jeez, I'm sorry, Bobby," Frank said. "I had some trouble finding the funeral home…and getting a car."

Bobby and Alex both examined Frank Goren with skepticism. Frank didn't appear drunk, but Alex didn't trust him.

"I just can't believe she's gone," Frank continued. "It happened so fast…"

Bobby fidgeted with one of his cuff links. "She'd been sick for about nine months, Frank."

"I know…but still…" Frank lowered his voice. "And you're having a Mass…"

Bobby's fidgeting increased. "It's what she wanted…she was clear about it…"

"But…I mean…was she still even Catholic? And you said she didn't have any money…what's paying for all of this?"

Bobby stiffened, and Alex fought her impulse to smack Frank up the side of the head.

"Medicare let her put some money away for funeral expenses," Bobby said quietly. "If she hadn't put it away, Medicare would've taken it."

Frank couldn't leave well enough alone. "But she must have left something," he insisted. "Something for us…"

Bobby sighed. "Everything Mom left is in a box in the trunk of my car. You're welcome to all of it if you want."

Either distracted or tired of dealing with his brother, Frank moved away.

"You handled him a lot better than I would have," Alex said.

"Well," Bobby said softly. "I do have some sense of what's right sometimes." He smiled weakly and looked across the room. Frank had cornered the funeral director and spoke to him with great urgency. Bobby shook his head. "Poor guy…Frank's probably trying to find out if there's money hidden in the coffin…He'll probably be after Dr. Shimo next." Bobby sighed. "At lease he's sober and not threatening anyone." Bobby looked around the room in awe. "So…so many people…I…I'm grateful…but…most of them never knew her…" His eyes were dark and puzzled.

Alex lightly touched his arm. "I think," she said deliberately. "Like I said before…They're here for her son."

Bobby stared at the floor as he struggled with Alex's words.

A brief prayer service started, and as they moved to their seats, Alex watched with some irritation as Frank settled in the chair closest to the casket. Bobby sat next to his brother, Alex next to him. She paid little attention to the priest's words; she was aware only of Bobby. The short service was over almost before Alex knew what was happening. Bobby spoke with the funeral director, and Lewis appeared at Alex's side.

"Frank being a jerk." It was more of a statement than a question.

"A little," Alex admitted.

Lewis shook his head. "He hasn't changed."

Bobby stepped back to Alex. "Frank," he said uneasily. "Wants to ride in the limo behind the hearse…"

"Well, he has the right," Alex said evenly.

"You…you don't have to ride with us…" Bobby said unsteadily.

Alex laid a hand on his chest. "Do you want me to?"

He looked at her gratefully. "Yes…please…"

The atmosphere inside the limo on the blessedly short drive to the church was strained. Frank babbled about the funeral's expenses and how his mother would've wanted him to have something. His words suggested that he was convinced he was being cheated out of something, and that his younger brother was responsible. Bobby sat stoically in a corner.

"I didn't even get to spend much time with her," Frank whined.

Alex couldn't suppress her anger any longer. "And whose fault was that?" she asked. "Bobby went to see her every week…Called every day…Where were you?"

"Whoa," Frank said. "You've got a live one there, Bobby."

Bobby roused from his silence like a great bear waking from hibernation. "Don't, Frank," he warned in a voice made all the more menacing for its softness. "Don't you dare say anything to her or about her. I don't care if it's our mother's funeral. You will regret it."

Bobby leaned forward as he spoke, and Frank, who sat across from him in the limo's huge backseat, fell back against the seat. Alex sensed it might have been the first time Bobby had challenged Frank in a long time; it certainly seemed to be the first time Frank had seen the quiet, terrifying intimidation Bobby employed in the interrogation room.

"And I'm the reason," Alex thought. She wanted to hold Bobby, to tell him how grateful she was for his defense, how much she loved him. She settled for a light touch on Bobby's arm that his brother was too preoccupied to notice.

They rode in an icy silence for the rest of the trip. When they stopped, Frank sprang from the limo so eagerly that Alex thought he might run into the church ahead of his mother's coffin. Bobby moved stiffly, forcing one foot in front of the other. As they waited for the funeral director and his assistants to move the casket to the church entrance Frank turned to his brother.

"Jeez, Bobby, where are the pallbearers?"

Bobby jerked, and Alex fought the urge to punch Frank in the nose.

"I didn't know who to ask," Bobby said, recovering. "Of if anyone would be here."

Alex hadn't been sure she was still Catholic since she first questioned the concept of the Immaculate Conception in Junior High, but she still found the Church's rites and rituals to offer comfort. "The Catholic Church knows how to bring you and get you out of this world," one of here uncles was fond of saying, and Alex grudgingly admitted the truth of that statement. The presence of the Carmel Ridge patients concerned her slightly, but they were as respectful as the rest of the large crowd. There was an occasionally over exuberant "Amen" or too loudly sung hymn, but these seemed expressions of genuine grief and affection.

Frank Goren quickly seized the seat in the front pew closest to his mother's coffin. Bobby sat beside him with Alex next to him. Frank started sniffling as the Mass began, and Alex found his signs of mourning to be part of a performance designed to pull attention to him. Alex attempted to ignore Frank in favor of focusing on Bobby, who sat eerily quiet through the service. His stoic face wavered only once. During his short eulogy, the priest spoke of how Frances Goren's life provided an example of courage in the face of suffering.

"Her life," the priest also said. "Gives us another lesson—a lesson on how to give love. I came to know Frances Goren when I came to this parish five years ago. She was intelligent, very funny, and often very frustrating to deal with. In the face of her anger and confusion, her son Robert cared for his mother with grace and love. In this I saw the best side of human nature in this gift of love from a son to his mother."

Bobby trembled and blinked at the priest's words. He regained control, but Alex saw Frank briefly glare at his brother with a mix of jealousy and rage.

The Mass continued with its centuries old rituals and beats. Frank made a great show of going up to receive Communion; Alex and Bobby respected the religion they'd been brought up in enough not to leave their seats. As they waited to get in the limo for the trip to the cemetery, Alex lightly touched Bobby's sleeve.

"It was a lovely service," she said softly.

He nodded his head slightly to acknowledge her words. She wanted to hook her arm in his and let him know he wasn't alone, but her sense of the many eyes on them and Bobby's defenses held her back.

END CHAPTER SEVEN


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

The cemetery was so close that many people chose to follow the coffin to the graveside. The sun was losing its battle with the clouds, and the wind turned cold and strong enough that Alex was glad she'd chosen her black suit rather than a dress or skirt. Frank again jumped to the front and claimed the seat closest to the head of the coffin. Bobby was again motionless, and Alex felt the need to occasionally turn and make certain he still breathed.

And, finally, it was over. Frank grabbed several carnations from the blanket on the casket and threw them into the open grave. Bobby stood, graciously thanked the priest and funeral director, and stared down at the coffin.

"C'mon, Bobby," Frank said. "There's food back at the church. Don't wanta miss a chance for a free meal."

Bobby winced. Alex bit her tongue.

"Go ahead, Frank," Bobby said. Alex heard the effort it took for him to control his voice. "You take the limo…I'll find another way…I want to stay here for a few minutes."

Frank shrugged and looked at Alex. "You coming?"

"I'll stay here," she said quickly. She had no desire of spending any time alone with Frank Goren, and very good reasons to stay with Bobby.

"Ok," Frank said. "But I do need to talk with you later, Bobby."

Bobby's attention was on the casket. "Fine…later…"

Frank strode off towards the limo. Some people approached Bobby with words and gestures of condolences. Alex hovered near the edge of the crowd. James Deakins and Lewis offered her and Bobby rides back to the church.

"I want to wait on him…Give him enough time," Alex said.

"Not a problem," Deakins said, and Lewis nodded. "We'll wait for you."

The crowd faded away. Bobby stood, his left hand covering his mouth, staring at the casket.

The funeral director spoke to Alex as he left. "He can stay as long as he wants," the grey-haired man said. "There's no rush."

"I…I'm sorry his brother has been difficult," Alex said. "Everything was handled so well…I know Mr. Goren is very grateful."

"Thank you," the director said. "As for his brother…no apology needed. It's a difficult time."

Bobby sat heavily and leaned forward in the chair. He wove one of his large hands through his graying curls.

"Hey." Alex sat next to him. "Are you ok?"

His head shot up; he seemed to have forgotten her presence again.

"I…I'm sorry…" He stammered.

"It's ok."

"It's not ok," Bobby said with vehemence. "You're here. You're putting up with me. You're putting up with Frank. You haven't whacked him or me up the side of the head."

"Yea," Alex said gently. "I think I've shown remarkable control." She looked at the riot of flowers surrounding the casket. "It was a lovely service, Bobby."

"Thank you." His words were nearly lost in the increasing wind. "It doesn't seem much, does it?"

She turned to him.

Bobby waved a large hand at the coffin. "Two, three hours, maybe, for a life…It doesn't seem enough for a whole life…"

They sat in silence for several minutes.

"I…I suppose we should go," Bobby said. "It feels like rain…And I should make an appearance at the reception…"

They stood, and Alex walked away to give Bobby a last few moments alone. He stood motionless before the grave and then turned abruptly away. He followed Alex down the hillside, his shoulders hunched as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said as he caught up with Alex. "We'll have to walk back to the church. I gave…well, more like, Frank took the limo."

"It's ok," Alex said, touched that he thought about her at this moment. "A couple of cars are waiting for us."

Bobby looked down the hill and saw Lewis speaking with Angie and James Deakins. "Great," he said wryly. "Lewis is probably spreading tales of my misspent youth."

"How ya doing, Bobby?" Lewis asked with real concern as Alex and Bobby reached the bottom of the hill.

"I…I'm getting by," Bobby answered.

"It was a wonderful service," Angie Deakins said warmly.

"I think," James Deakins said carefully. "Your mother would've been pleased."

Bobby stared up the hill at his mother's grave. "I…There were so many people…I think…That would've made her happy…" He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Detective Alex," Lewis said. "Why don't I take Bobby off your hands and drive him back to the church…He can check out my latest project."

Bobby looked stricken.

"More like you're taking me off of Bobby's hands," she said, trying to reassure Bobby that he wasn't a burden to her. "I can annoy someone else for a while."

"Yea," Bobby said. "We can get away from each other for a bit." Alex's words had soothed him.

"How is he doing, Alex?" James Deakins asked as he pulled out of the cemetery.

"He's…" Alex stared out the window. "He's Bobby…He's hiding behind his defenses…Or at least trying to…"

"His brother." Deakins' grip tightened on the steering wheel. "He seems to be living up to what little I know about him."

"Frank Goren," Alex said firmly. "Is not one of my favorite people right now."

The parish apparently had a long standing custom of serving a large buffet lunch after funerals in its center. Most of the crowd had returned to the church, and Alex found Bobby standing near the front door and quietly greeting people. He was calm and controlled and appeared to be doing more comforting than being comforted. Alex glanced around the room and discovered Frank Goren speaking with great animation with Dr. Shimo. She carefully assessed the situation; Bobby seemed all right for the moment, but if he became aware of his brother's harassment of his mother's doctor, it would only add to the heavy weights already pressing on him.

As she walked closer to Dr. Shimo and Frank, Alex heard the litany of complaints Bobby's brother had. Dr. Shimo saw her, and a look of relief appeared in his eyes.

"She must have left something…" Frank said.

"Frank," Alex said. "Nice of you to take off with the limo." She'd decided on a direct attack. She believed it would prove most effective and it certainly made her feel better.

Surprised, Frank spun to face Alex. "But…you and Bobby…"

"It might have been nice if you'd at least waited, in spite of what we said," Alex said coldly. "But you were too eager to get back here. You must have been disappointed when you found out there wasn't any free liquor to go with the free food."

Alex thought she saw a smile tug at the corners of Dr. Shimo's mouth.

Frank clearly didn't expect such a blunt attack. "Uh…I haven't had a drink…"

All Alex could see was Frank's casual cruelty to Bobby throughout the morning. "What are you trying to get from Dr. Shimo? Bobby told you…There isn't anything…Your mother had nothing…She left nothing…Don't you trust your brother?"

Frank's mouth opened and shut, but no sound came out.

Dr. Shimo took advantage of Frank's confusion. "If you'll excuse me, Ms. Eames, I'd like to speak with Bobby before I have to get back to the hospital." As he brushed by her, the psychiatrist whispered to Alex, "Thank you."

"I…I just want what's coming to me," Frank said feebly. "Bobby swooped in here…"

"You," Alex said forcefully and quietly. "Don't deserve anything. Bobby didn't swoop in anywhere. He was here. He's always been here." She stood in front of Frank so that he was blocked from the rest of the room. "I don't care what your problems are…Bobby does, but that's what he is…What he does…All I see is what you do to him…How you hurt him…what did you do with that coat he gave you? Is that how you got your stake for Atlantic City? You sold the coat your brother gave you off of his back? Do you know that your brother found that coat in the city morgue? That he thought you were dead?"

Frank stared in shock at her. Alex wasn't sure if her words actually reached him or that he was stunned at her challenging him.

"There isn't any hidden money, Frank," Alex declared. "There isn't any lost treasure. Leave your mother's friends and doctors alone. Leave your brother alone."

"Why should I listen to you," Frank asked, his anger growing. "Why…"

"Because," Alex said in a voice all the more threatening for its calmness and quiet. "I'm a police officer…A high ranking NYPD detective from a family of cops…I can make trouble for you in ways that you can't imagine." Alex hated using her job in any way, but she would make an exception for Bobby.

Frank shrank back. "Why…why should you…Why should anyone…"

"We're here for Bobby," Alex said simply. "Your brother…Who fought and beat the odds…Who took on his responsibility…Made something of his life…" She turned away so that Frank couldn't see the tears forming in her eyes. "If you're really going to change, Frank…I'll help you…But if you're going to hurt him, just know you'll have to deal with me…"

As she walked away from Frank, Alex realized she was shaking. "Am I that angry?" she thought. "Or maybe I just need some food…" She looked at Bobby. "He's running on fumes…" She scooped up two cups of coffee and reached Bobby just as he finished speaking with a tall, elegant brunette. "Here," Alex said gently. "You look like you could use this."

Bobby accepted the coffee and took a long drink. "Thank you," he said. He looked around the room. "I…I don't know how to thank everyone…And the people here at the church…They did all this work…I don't know how to…"

Alex sensed he was near the breaking point.

"And…and these…" Bobby pulled out several slips of paper from his pockets. "Numbers…addresses…People wanting to stay in touch…To let them know how I am…"

"I can put those in my purse," Alex said. "And you can sort them out later. No one expects you to contact them right away."

Her words calmed him.

"C'mon," Alex said gently. "Let's get you some food."

He meekly followed her and allowed her to help him fill a plate. He poked listlessly at the food, and Alex couldn't tell if he was too upset or exhausted to eat. She left the table briefly to refill their coffee and ran into Dr. Shimo.

"Again," he said. "Thank you for rescuing me."

"Not a problem," Alex replied. "Gave me an excuse to say several things I've wanted to say all day."

"I can understand that," Shimo said. "Frank Goren isn't an easy person to deal with. Bobby always wants to believe that his brother has changed, even if he doesn't expect it."

"Yea," Alex said. "Bobby expects the worst, and hopes for the best."

"How is Bobby?" Shimo asked.

"I thought psychiatrists could read people," Alex answered. A small flame of fear crossed her mind with the thought that Dr. Shimo might recognize what had happened between her and Bobby the previous night.

The psychiatrist smiled. "We can't do that well with everyone," he said. "And as long as I've known Bobby, he's been very good at hiding his feelings. I think that sometimes Bobby refuses to acknowledge he has any feelings at all."

Alex nodded. "Yea…and that costs him a lot…"

"It's going to be very difficult for him in the next few days…maybe weeks," Shimo said. "I'm glad he has good friends around him."

Alex smiled wanly. "Yea…if only he'll let us help him."

She returned to Bobby, who had made little progress with the food on his plate. The crowd was thinning out, and many spoke to Bobby as they left. Ross quietly told him to take as much time as he needed. In spite of the comforting words many people offered to him, Bobby seemed more and more upset and exhausted.

"It'll be over soon," Alex whispered to him. "We could probably leave now…"

"Hey, Bobby." Frank plopped down in the chair on the other side of Bobby. "Nice lunch, uh? Will we have to pay for it?"

Bobby winced, and Alex fought against the anger rising in her.

"Uh…" Frank looked at Alex. "I need to talk to you, Bobby…Could we talk in private?"

Alex ignored the older Goren brother. "I'll go if you want me to, Bobby."

"Hey," Frank said petulantly. "This is a private conversation…family stuff…"

Bobby roused from his dark study of his plate. "I told you, Frank," he said evenly. "Don't talk to her like that." He turned to Alex. "You…you don't mind staying?" His voice became gentle and grateful when he talked to her.

"Of course not." Alex settled in her chair.

Frank frowned. "Like I said, this is family, Bobby."

"Alex is more family to me than you've ever been," Bobby said, and Alex struggled not to hug him.

"Bobby…That's not fair…You turned me away…"

"Only after I learned that every time you came to me, it was to ask for money." Bobby's voice was low and even, but Alex heard the strain in it. A great deal of long squashed anger bubbled beneath his words. "Only after every time you visited Mom she was in a state of hysteria because you badgered her for money."

"But…I'm your brother, Bobby," Frank whined. "Who took care of you all of those times when Mom was sick?"

Bobby sighed and looked across the hall. "All right, Frank," he conceded. "I'll meet you at the hotel…You can see what our Mom left." He stood. "But I'm not going to argue with you here."

"Great," Frank said eagerly as he rose. "Now you're talking sense." He nearly ran out the door.

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. He turned to Alex. "I…I'm going to thank the priest and the funeral director," he said softly. "Would…would you mind driving me back to the hotel after that?"

"Of course," Alex said quickly. "Were you planning to drive back to the city tonight?"

"Yea…but…" A tiny crack appeared in his wall. "I'm…I'm so tired…But…I want to get away from here…but…"

"I can drive," Alex said gently. "I can get someone to drive my car back to Major Case…You could get some rest…"

"Or we could talk," Bobby said tentatively. He looked at her with gratitude and amazement. "You're sure about this?"

"Definitely…Besides, I'd be too worried about you if you drove," Alex said.

As Bobby spoke with the priest and funeral director, Alex scanned the dwindling crowd for a likely driver for her car. She caught sight of Megan Wheeler and Mike Logan as they started out the door. "Perfect," Alex thought and rushed to them.

"Wheeler. Logan," she said. "I need a favor."

"Does it involve paperwork?" Logan said. "'Cause I'm not into that. Anything else…like dealing with Goren's jerk of a brother…I'm your guy."

"Don't tempt me, Logan," Alex said. "I just want to know if you or Wheeler could drive my car back to the garage at One Police Plaza. I'm going to drive Bobby home."

"The Mustang?" Wheeler asked, managing to look younger than usual. "Sorry," she said, her freckles disappearing in her blush. "It's just a really beautiful car."

"Yea," Alex said. "If you could just follow Bobby and me back to the hotel…I'd be really grateful. Just don't embarrass me by getting a ticket. And remember I've got that car as a loan from Bobby's friend Lewis."

Wheeler smiled. "I'll be careful…Promise."

"I saw the hotel as we drove in this morning," Logan said. "Wheeler and I will meet you guys there. And don't worry about the car…I'll follow Wheeler and make sure she takes care of the baby."

"Yea," Wheeler said. "If he can keep up with me."

Alex turned back into the hall. Members of the parish were packing away food and dishes and picking up trash. Bobby, his conversations with the pastor and funeral director finished, nodded to the volunteers as he walked across the room.

"It's almost over," Alex said as he reached her.

"Yea," Bobby breathed.

"Wheeler's going to drive my car back."

"Better not let Lewis know about that," Bobby said. "On the other hand, Lewis might like Wheeler…"

"Logan and Wheeler are going to meet us at the hotel. And Logan promised to keep an eye on Wheeler and the car," Alex said as they walked out the door.

A smile tugged at Bobby's mouth. "Not exactly confidence inspiring…Logan as your car's guardian."

He was silent during the short drive to the hotel.

"You're...you're right, Alex," Bobby said as they neared the hotel. "No way I should drive anywhere tonight."

Alex turned into the hotel parking lot. Logan and Wheeler waited by Bobby's car.

"No sign of Frank," Alex commented.

"Oh, he's around," Bobby said wearily. "Lurking somewhere."

"We could just ignore him," Alex said as she steered the car to a spot. "Just take off."

"He'd just follow us," Bobby said as they left the car. "Might as well get it over with."

Bobby waited with Logan as Alex handed off the keys to her car to Wheeler.

"I'll be careful, Alex," Wheeler promised.

"Thanks...this is a big help...Bobby's near the end of his rope."

"I'm happy to do it for both of you. I'd do it even if I didn't get to drive a classic." Wheeler smiled. "And Goren certainly deserves any help he can get today."

Logan and Bobby leaned on Bobby's car as they waited for Alex and Wheeler.

"Your brother was here when we drove up," Logan said softly.

Bobby flinched. "I...I'm sorry you had to deal with him."

"Not a problem, Goren," Logan said calmly. "He shut up pretty quickly when Wheeler and I let him know he couldn't push us around." Logan rubbed at a spot on the car's front window. "And I know a little about family troubles."

Happily behind the wheel of Alex's car, Wheeler beeped the horn.

"God," Bobby said. "Were we ever that young..."

"I don't think so," Logan said wryly. "I get the sense you and I never were very young..."

"Yea," Bobby said.

"Listen, you need anything," Logan said as he started towards his car. "You let me know, ok?"

"There...there is something." Bobby looked across the parking lot to Alex. "If...I may be taking some time off...but I...Could you...could you just keep an eye on Eames?"

Logan turned to him. "Me?" he asked in surprise. "Where did that come from?"

"I...I'm not sure," Bobby said. "But I know I trust you."

Logan raised his hands in surrender. "Ok, Goren...I owe you...If you want me to keep an eye on your partner, I will. But I will not be the one to tell her."

Alex reached Bobby as Logan pulled out of the parking lot to follow Wheeler. "I'm starting to have second thoughts about trusting my car to those two," she said dryly.

"I think they'll be ok," Bobby said, watching Logan drive away.

"Bobby!" Frank Goren appeared from the direction of the diner near the hotel. "Jeez, man...I thought they'd never leave. Where were you?"

Bobby turned to his car, pulled out his keys, and opened the trunk.

"There it is, Frank." Bobby pointed at the box holding his mother's few belongings. "That's what Mom left." He stepped away from the car.

Frank rushed up to the car and eagerly began pulling items from the box. He grew more agitated and disappointed as he emptied the box.

"That's it?" he asked when he reached the bottom. "There's nothing else?"

Bobby stepped up to the car and began returning things to the box. "That's it, Frank," he said flatly. "You can have anything you want...All of it, if you want."

Frank stared at him. "You've got to be kidding me, Bobby...There must be something..."

Bobby shook his head. "I'm sorry, Frank. There isn't anything else...She...she didn't have much when she went to Carmel Ridge...There wasn't anything..."

"You're lying," Frank said angrily.

"I'm not, Frank," Bobby said softly. "I swear to you."

"Damn." Frank began to pace in front of Bobby. "There has...has to be..."

"Frank," Bobby asked tentatively. "Are you in trouble?"

Frank's head shot up. "Uh...this guy...he lent me some money...I told him I was coming into some money..." He stared at Bobby. "I'm owed something, Bobby...You owe me. I'm your brother. I took care of you...and Mom..."

"I don't remember it that way." Alex again heard the long suppressed anger in Bobby's voice. "I remember you going with Dad...I remember you leaving Mom and me...I remember..." Bobby choked slightly. "I remember you showing up and taking stuff from Mom...Scaring her...Badgering her..."

"I...I had to deal with Dad..." Frank said. "You know how he was...How he rode me..."

"And then you...you'd..." Bobby struggled for control. "You'd ride me..."

The brothers stared at each other in silence. Alex felt forgotten and lost. It was terribly quiet; even the wind had stopped.

"You left." Frank's angry voice broke the silence. "You're no better than me."

Bobby jerked as if he'd been struck. "Yea," he said shakily. "But I came back...and I took care of her."

"Took care of her!" Frank sneered. "You wouldn't let them feed her..."

Bobby spoke before Alex could spring forward. "You know nothing about that, Frank," he said coldly. "Mom refused to eat. The doctors and nurses said that putting a feeding tube in wouldn't be a good idea. That it'd be cruel. They said..." Bobby looked quickly at Alex, and her heart missed a beat. "They said they wouldn't do it if it was their mother. Maybe if you'd been there, you'd understand."

"You kept me away...You turned her against me..."

"No." Bobby shook his head. "I never did that. You just never came...unless you wanted or needed money. She always wanted you...More than she wanted me."

Bobby's self control amazed Alex.

Frank continued to seethe. "There must be something...Something...All of the stuff you have...Those suits...This car...That coat...Where'd you get all that money..."

"I've worked for it," Bobby said patiently. "I saved money when I was in the Army."

"Right," Frank sneered. Alex sensed she viewed a scene that had played out between the brothers many times. "Worked for it…You took her money…Money that should be mine."

Bobby raised his hands in exasperation. "You know that's not true, Frank," he said wearily. "I won't argue with you about it." He turned to Alex. "C'mon…let's get out of here."

"And her," Frank said, jerking his head towards Alex. "How much does she cost you?"

Bobby snapped around. It took all of his strength and self control to prevent him from swinging his fist at Frank. "I told you," he said, his voice cold with anger. "Don't talk about her."

As angry as he was, Bobby didn't expect Frank's attack, and his brother's fist caught Bobby with full force. Frank's surprise was even greater than his brother's when Bobby didn't go down. Bobby stumbled, but quickly regained his footing. He faced Frank, and Alex, who had stepped towards the two men, stopped. Bobby's hands formed huge fists, and he moved towards Frank, who shrank back. Alex sensed that Frank wasn't used to Bobby striking back.

"There's nothing to stop me, Frank," Bobby said in the low, menacing voice Alex recognized from the interrogation room. "Our Mom is dead…I'm not powerless…I'm not smaller than you…Your "associates" aren't around…Dad…isn't here to back you up…You hit me first…" A terrified Frank slowly backed away from Bobby. "There's nothing to stop me…" Blood oozed from Bobby's nose, and a bright red mark formed beneath his right eye. "Nothing…" His voice grew lower, and Bobby seemed to speak only to himself. "Except me.

He took a deep breath, pulled out his wallet, yanked out several bills, and tossed them at Frank's feet. "There," Bobby said. "I hope that'll help with the guy who loaned you the money. If you every really change, I'll be there for you, Frank. But I can't save you if you don't want to save yourself. I spent most of my life taking care of Mom. I…I can't spend the rest of it taking care of you…especially if you just want to hurt me…" He shoved his wallet back into his pocket and turned to Alex. "Let's go."

They left Frank scrambling to pick up the money. Bobby slid wordlessly into the passenger seat, and Alex carefully guided his car out of the parking lot.

"You need some ice for your face?" Alex asked tentatively.

Bobby raised a hand to his nose. "I…I'm bleeding," he said in surprise.

Alex glanced at him. Bobby stared at the blood on his fingers; there were red smears on his face.

"He got you good," she said ruefully. "We need to stop and get you cleaned up…"

Bobby pinched his nose and leaned back in his seat. "Oh, God…I've screwed up so badly…The day of my Mom's funeral…I…I get into a fight with my brother…I…my best friend…I…"

Alex pulled into a gas station. "Bobby…you didn't start that fight…Good Lord…You didn't even keep it going…You stopped…That was one of the most remarkable bits of self control…one of the bravest…"

Bobby looked terribly hurt and exhausted. Alex wanted to wrap her arms around him and somehow let him know everything was all right.

"Stay here," she said gently. "I'll get some ice and…"

"No." Bobby roused himself. "I'll go to the bathroom and clean up…"

"All right," Alex said. "But if you're not out in ten minutes, I'm coming after you."

"Yes, ma'am," Bobby said as he opened the car door.

They were on the road again several minutes later. Bobby held a bag of ice to his face and occasionally winced.

"You sure you don't want to go to an emergency room?" Alex asked.

Bobby slowly shook his head. "It's not that bad," he mumbled. "I've had worse."

"And I bet Frank was responsible," Alex said angrily.

Bobby stared out the window. "Some…" he whispered.

He was very quiet through the rest of the drive. Alex hoped he might fall asleep, but he remained stubbornly awake.

"Where are we going?" he asked as Alex turned off the interstate as they neared the city.

"My house," she answered gently. "You…I don't want you to be alone tonight…"

Even if he wanted to resist her, he couldn't. He had nothing left. He said nothing as she drove to her house and followed her meekly.

"C'mere," she said and guided him to the couch.

He fell to his knees before her.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," he murmured over and over as she held him, and she felt hers wasn't the only forgiveness he sought.

End Chapter Eight

I apologize for allowing Frank to hijack this chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

The lightning flash woke her, and the accompanying thunder brought her to full consciousness. Alex winced as she stretched her complaining muscles. Pushing aside the afghan draped over her, she sat up cautiously on her couch.

"Bobby," she thought. "Where's Bobby?" She shook her head to try to drive the cobwebs out of it. She remembered holding him as he knelt by her couch and clung to her and begged for forgiveness. He'd finally fallen into a state of exhausted unconsciousness, and Alex followed him a few moments later.

She stood cautiously. The storm that had threatened through much of the day roared outside the windows.

"Ok," Alex thought. "Somebody covered me with that blanket, and it must have been Bobby."

Another lightning flash caused her to jump. "Oh, God," she thought. "I hope he's still here…I hope he's not out in this…"

She walked to the kitchen, and just as she entered it another lighting flash illuminated the room. She saw Bobby seated at the table. He slumped forward, his elbows resting on the table, his head resting in his hands. Alex felt her heart break for him.

"Hey," she said. For a moment, Bobby didn't react, and Alex wondered if he'd heard her over the storm.

"Hey," he finally said in a soft, strained voice. "I…I was just thinking…I don't know what I'm going to do on Saturday mornings…"

Alex stepped closer to him and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Knowing you, you'll probably try to do more work."

Bobby reached to cover her hand with his. "Maybe read…work on some cars with Lewis…" He hesitated. "Maybe spend time with you."

Even in the dark, Alex saw Bobby's great, dark, sad eyes looking at her. "Maybe," she said softly. She let her free hand run gently over Bobby's hair. He trembled, turned, and wrapped his arms around her. She wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him to her.

"I thought." Her body muffled his voice. "I thought I knew what I was going to do…And then…last night…Everything you've done for me…These past few days…Months…Everything's changed…" She felt him shiver. "God," he said. "That's so stupid. Nothing's been the same for us for at least nine months. Nine awful months."

She held him tightly but gently.

"The only good thing…The thing that makes this bearable…Is you. You loving me, me…I love you…But…" He choked. "You've given me so much…I do love you…And I'm going to hurt you."

"The only time you hurt me," she said. "Is when you push me away."

"I…I want to stay with you…but…"

Alex had never felt so much. She felt as much a part of Bobby as she did of her own body.

"I can't," Bobby continued. "I can't stay and love you…If I don't know who I am…"

Alex knelt down next to Bobby's chair. The storm raged outside, and another lightning flash caused them both to jump.

"You need to go away…To take some time," Alex said.

"Yes…I think…" He leaned forward so that his forehead touched hers. "At least, that's what I thought…"

Her calm surprised Alex. "Look," she said. "We've made no promises…You warned me…"

"You're so good, Alex," Bobby whispered. "You're so kind…I don't…I don't want you to think that I used…am using you…You're the only one…But…But I don't know who I am…"

"I know you're not using me," Alex reassured him. "And I know who you are."

"It's just…My Mom…I lost her so many times…so many ways…I don't feel like I can…or that I have the right to mourn her. But I feel so lost…I want to cry…I want to be able to cry…But I can't." He pressed his head to hers. "What am I? What kind of man…"

Alex tenderly took his head between her hands. "You are a good man," she said firmly. "Look, you say that I'm good, right?"

He blinked. "Yea…"

"I love you, right?"

"Yes…and I don't know…"

Alex placed two of her fingers on his lips. "I love you, right?"

"Uh, yes."

"So, if I'm good and I love you, you must be good, right?"

"But…but…" He bit his lip. "How can…How can I love you…How can I be good…If I hurt you?"

Alex shook her head. "I hate to tell you this, buddy, but loving someone doesn't mean you're not going to get hurt or hurt somebody. I won't lie and say I understand everything that's going on with you," she said deliberately. "But I know love isn't a trap. You can't keep people. I know what it's like when someone tries to make you do something or become something you're not in the name of love."

"Everything was clearer yesterday…or was it the day before?" Bobby shook his head. "Oh, God, Alex…I'm so tired and confused. You're the only thing I'm sure of."

"Well," Alex said sensibly. "Let's deal with one thing at a time. Let's get you some rest."

She helped him to his feet. Another flash of lightning and clap of thunder startled them.

"Hey," Alex said gently. "Don't fall on me. No way I'd get you back up again." She tenderly touched his face. "How's the bruise?"

"Ok," Bobby answered. "It doesn't hurt much…Only when I laugh, which I haven't done much today."

They stumbled to her bedroom. Alex helped Bobby shed his clothes until he wore only his boxers. He slumped back against the pillows.

"It's not fair, Alex," he whispered. "You're so good to me."

"It's not fair," Alex said as she slipped next to him. "That you had to take care of your mother and deal with your brother."

He reached for her and she rested in his arms.

"Ok," Alex said. "Here's the deal." She took a deep breath. "You do what you need to do. But if you go…" Her voice wavered. "You stay in contact. I don't care how you do it—email, phone, letter, carrier pigeons—you talk to me once a week."

"Ok," Bobby breathed.

"And…and…" Alex raised her head to look him in the eyes. "I…I want to make love with you again before you go."

Bobby blushed. "I think…I could agree with that," he said shyly.

The storm finally eased, the lightening and thunder gave way to a soft, steady rain.

"There were so many people," Bobby wondered. "So many flowers…gifts…I didn't even know I knew that many people…let alone that many cared…"

"More testimony to the fact you're a good man," Alex said.

"I'll need to get thank yous out…"

"I can help with that," Alex said. She shifted slightly in Bobby's arms. "Ross told me to take as much time as you…or I…needed."

The soft rain lulled them to sleep.

There was no question about Alex going in to work the next morning. When she called Ross to report her absence, his only questions were about Bobby and how Alex's car got in the Major Case parking garage. ("You're a brave woman," Ross commented when Alex explained that Wheeler returned the car. "Not that brave," Alex replied. "I've never seen Wheeler drive.") Bobby, as usual, was up before her and, also as usual, made a pot of strong coffee. He quickly offered to drive her into the city to get her car, but Alex gently rebuked him and sat him at her kitchen table. He barely touched the breakfast she sat before him, eating only enough to keep her from chiding him for his lack of appetite. She put him to work clearing the table and washing the dishes while she pulled the many memorial and gift cards from her purse. He allowed her to carefully examine the now dark bruise on his face.

"I'd be happy to help you with these," Alex said, waving a hand at the neat piles on the table. She sensed the task would at least occupy Bobby.

"You…don't mind?"

"Not at all."

They spent the rest of the morning sorting out the cards and preparing, addressing and sealing thank you cards and envelopes. The work went quickly, and just after noon Bobby and Alex stared at several neat piles on the kitchen table.

"We can take these to the post office," Alex said genially. "And you can buy me lunch."

Bobby smiled wanly. "Taking advantage of my guilty feelings?"

"You bet," Alex said lightly.

They quickly stamped and posted the envelopes and ate lunch at one of Alex's favorite neighborhood spots--or at least Alex ate while Bobby moved his food around his plate.

"You know," Alex said cautiously. "You have to eat something…"

"I…I just…I'm not hungry," Bobby said weakly.

"Is there anything else you need to do?"

Bobby shook his head. "The only great advantage of leaving nothing when you die," he said wryly. "There's not much to deal with. Everything is pretty much taken care of…The services, the cemetery…all of it is paid for…There's nothing left at Carmel Ridge…" He stared into space. "I…I may never go back there…I…I don't believe in visiting cemeteries…They don't have what made the person a person…and as much as the hospital staff did for my Mom…I have only bad memories of that place…"

"There really isn't anyone besides your brother?" Alex asked.

"No…I remember my grandmother dimly from when I was a kid…but no one else. I think everyone was pretty much out of my parents' lives by the time I was a kid…"

Alex remembered the huge family reunions that marked her childhood, the massive numbers of aunts and uncles and cousins, and her father's proud comment that any group of cops or firemen in New York had to include someone related to the Eames family. It was nearly impossible for her to imagine a life as lonely and isolated as Bobby's.

"At least," Bobby said. "It means I don't have any ties…I have all this freedom…and I don't know what to do…"

He insisted on driving her into the city to get her car. They both shivered as his car entered the parking garage.

"Look at that," Alex said as they approached her car. "It looks fine."

"I'll bet Wheeler at least changed the radio," Bobby said.

The Mustang was spotless. "I think," Alex smiled. "She may have taken it through a car wash."

An awkward silence fell between them.

"Are you going up to the office?" Bobby finally asked.

"No…it's too late for me to do anything productive." Alex sensed Bobby drifting away from her, and a fear that she might not see him again for a long time seized her. "Come back with me…let's get some dinner…"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I…I need to get back to my apartment…There's stuff…" He began to pace. "I…Oh, God, Alex…I keep hurting you…" He remembered where he was and struggled for control.

Alex desperately tried to think of some way to reach him. "Please, Bobby…"

"No…" He stepped away from her. "I need…just this evening…I swear…I just need a few hours…"

"I…I'll see you again? You're not going anywhere?" In spite of her efforts, Alex's anxiety reached her voice.

"Don't worry," Bobby said. "I promise you…I won't go anywhere…Do anything…without talking to you…" He stared at his feet. "I do…want to be with you…to…" His voice dropped to a whisper. "To make love to you…If you want…"

She wanted to wrap her arms around him, but she knew the garage was only slightly less dangerous than the squad room for any kind of physical affection. "Oh, yes," she said.

Bobby looked at her, and Alex felt as if she might burn up from the inside. Bobby wanted her just as much as she wanted him.

"I…I better go," Bobby said. "Or…or I may do something…That will make either of us going back to work a mute point…"

"All right," Alex said shakily. "But you call me tomorrow or I'll come looking for you…and I'll bring all of the squad with me."

Bobby smiled weakly and nodded.

Her mind full of thoughts and worries about Bobby, Alex didn't sleep well that night. She nearly called him at several points, but managed to hold her hand. "There's a chance he might be asleep," she thought. "And he needs…deserves…privacy…"

She hadn't planned to return to work that day, but after tossing and turning much of the night she gave up the battle for sleep. "I might as well go in," she thought. "I can something done…And I'll go by Bobby's apartment around noon to see if he wants some lunch…and maybe something more…" She shook her head. "My Lord," she thought. "I've been with him once…and he may have spoiled me for any other man."

Major Case was surprisingly alive for the early hour when Alex arrived at One Police Plaza. She brushed past Megan Wheeler, and before Alex could thank the younger detective for safely delivering her car Wheeler explained the activity.

"Minor emergency," she said. "Local bigwig thought his daughter was missing…Turned out she'd just spent the night out with friends. The parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce, and the kid needed some time away from them. Having met the mom and dad, I'm with the kid." Wheeler looked at Alex. "And what are you doing here anyway?"

"Better than wrestling with my head," Alex said ruefully.

"That's what Goren said," Wheeler said.

Alex's jaw dropped. "Bobby's here?" she squawked.

"Yea, but I didn't tell you," Wheeler said. "He's in one of the interview rooms doing paperwork. And Ross doesn't know he's here."

Alex walked quickly to the room. Bobby sat at its table studying one of several files. As she entered, he looked up at her like a small boy caught shaking the presents under the Christmas tree.

"What are you doing here?" Alex was more shocked than angry.

"I…I couldn't sleep…And there wasn't anything left to do in my apartment…I had to get out…I…" Bobby looked at her. "What are you doing here at this hour?"

"Same as you," Alex answered, although she suspected her feelings and thoughts were far from as dark and confused as Bobby's. "Couldn't sleep."

Bobby tilted his head towards the Squad Room. "I guess there was some excitement." He stared down at the files. "Thank you…for not getting angry." He twirled his pen. "There's another reason I'm here…I wanted to talk to Ross…to let him know…" His grip tightened on the pen, and Alex felt her heart skip a beat. "That…I'm going to take a leave for a few months…"

Alex sat deliberately across from him and tried to make sense of the storm of emotions besieging her.

"I…I thought I'd spend a week or so to clean up any paperwork or cases…Hand off anything…Give Ross time to find you a new partner…"

"A temporary partner," Alex said quickly.

Bobby nodded. "Temporary."

"Ok," Alex said, although she felt decided not ok. "We've talked about this…It's not a surprise…"

"Alex," Bobby said with a mix of agony and despair. "I…I don't mean to hurt you…It's just…"

A sharp knock on the door stopped Bobby's words, and the two detectives turned to see a surprised Captain Ross standing in the doorway.

"What are you two doing here?"

END Chapter Nine


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

With a weight in her chest that she had grown unhappily familiar with in the past few days, Alex watched Bobby sign another form and add it to the steadily growing pile of completed paperwork on his desk. In the few days since his mother's death, Bobby had disappeared inside his head, and Alex had no idea of how to reach him. He worked efficiently, almost robotically, as he cleared up cases, prepared case notes, and led Mike Logan through his and Alex's few open cases. Alex was glad Logan would act as her temporary partner—she liked him and knew that Megan Wheeler's hopefully brief absence left him in limbo and that he was grateful to be with Alex. Alex sensed the arrangement somewhat eased Bobby's worries as well. Bobby Goren and Mike Logan were very different detectives and men, but both were very good detectives and very good men. Ross was grateful for the relatively calm transition. The captain treated the three detectives with care; when he discovered Alex and Bobby in the office so soon after the funeral of Bobby's mother, Ross reacted more with resignation than anger. Bobby later reported to Alex that Ross was supportive and understanding when Bobby entered this office to confirm his request for a leave of absence. The captain had also been quietly and subtly sensitive to Alex since that day, and she was torn between gratitude and irritation at the treatment.

She wished she knew what was going on in Bobby's head, although she suspected Bobby would like to know that as well. He seemed to want her and to be grateful for her presence, but, just as on the day before and of his mother's funeral, there were moments when he seemed to forget her or feel intense guilt for wanting and/or needing her. Alex was reasonably certain that if she hadn't dragged Bobby to meals he wouldn't be eating, or if she didn't demand that he accompany her to her house he would be sleeping even less than he was. She frequently heard him pacing in her guest room, and she strongly doubted he got any more rest in his apartment.

He needed a break, not only from work, but from his life. "But I'm part of that life," Alex thought. "And I don't want him to leave…I've only been with him once…and I want him again so badly…I love him…I'll miss him so much…Oh, God…Please help me to do the right thing." Alex rubbed her eyes, blinked and discovered Bobby gazing at her with great, dark sad eyes. He looked away quickly. "He feels bad enough about this," Alex thought. "If I asked him, he wouldn't leave." The realization of the power she held over him thrilled and terrified her. "I have to do the right thing," she thought. "I have to do it for him and for me."

Bobby pulled the last form from his to do file, read and signed it. He glanced at Alex, who now appeared to be in a deep study of the file on her desk. "I'm hurting her so much," he thought. "I've used her, and I'm going to leave, and I'm going to hurt her…And I don't know what else I can do. I love her, but I can't let myself really love her until I get myself straightened out…Until I know who I am…It's so hard…All I want to do is to stay…To love her and make love to her…but I can't…I can't…It'd destroy me…I'd destroy her…" He checked his desk, but nothing remained on it for him. He saw Logan by the coffee machine and walked over to the detective.

"Logan," Bobby said softly. "You got everything you need from me? Anything you need cleared up?"

Logan took a drink of coffee and winced. "You'd think the Major Case Squad would rate better coffee. I understand why you and Eames make those java runs out of the office." He smiled at Bobby. "Everything's fine, Goren…You've done a great job bringing me up to speed. And Eames can clear up any questions. And if our backs are up against the wall, I'll call you. And don't worry. I won't do such a great job that no one will miss you."

Bobby smiled wanly. "I don't know. After a few days without me, all anyone may remember are all the weird things I do."

"I don't think that'll happen," Logan said. "I think Ross already misses having you as the ace up his sleeve."

Bobby glanced at the Captain's office. He sensed that Ross had dealt with pressure from the Brass to keep him on the job. Bobby's implied threat of abandoning the NYPD completely and Ross' passing on of that threat helped lead to the granting of Bobby's leave, but Bobby was still enormously grateful to Ross for protecting and standing up for him.

"I don't know if I'm an ace," Bobby said wryly. "More like a joker."

"It'll be ok, Goren," Logan said. "I'll keep an eye on Eames. You don't have to worry, I promise. You do what you need to do. Not a lot of people get a chance to take stock of their lives."

"Thanks, Logan," Bobby said warmly. "I don't think I could do this without knowing someone would be there for Eames."

"Hey, she's a good cop," Logan shrugged. "It'll be good to work with her."

Bobby walked to Ross' office and cautiously knocked on the door. He entered at Ross' acknowledgement and stood uncertainly. "I've finished the paperwork. Logan is up to speed on everything," he said. "Is there anything else?"

"No," Ross said. "You're done. I appreciate your staying to clear things off your desk."

"I…I appreciate you…all that you've done…for the leave…the support…" Bobby shifted from one foot to the other.

"You have the time," Ross said patiently. "And you deserve it."

"You're sure there's nothing more?" Bobby tried to keep the desperate edge out of his voice.

"You're a great detective," Ross said calmly. "You make this squad…You make me…look very good…I hope…I want you to come back…But you do what's right for you…You take the time…You make the right decision, ok?"

Bobby stared out the window.

"Don't worry," Ross said. "Eames will be all right…Logan and I will watch out for her."

Bobby rarely heard so much concern and care in Ross' voice. "I…I can't promise you anything…I think I'll be back…Right now I'm not sure I even want to go…but I just don't know." He stared at his feet. "Logan says I should look at this as an opportunity."

"That may be a good idea," Ross said gently.

"It's hard for me to think that," Bobby said grimly.

"Goren," Ross said. "Go…and tell Eames she has the rest of the day. Maybe you can talk to each other."

"Yes…thank you…" Bobby extended his right hand. "Thank you."

Ross shook his head. "Take care of yourself, Detective."

Bobby returned to his desk.

"So," Alex said pretending to concentrate on the forms on her desk. "All done?"

"Yea." Bobby shut down his computer. "And Ross said you can take the rest of the day…That maybe we could talk to each other."

Alex raised her eyes to meet his. "That might be a change from the past couple of days," she said cautiously.

Bobby winced. "Yea…I haven't been the most vocal person lately…I'm sorry, Alex…It's…it's just been hard…Let me buy you dinner tonight…Your choice…"

"Ok." Alex shut off her computer and gathered her purse.

Bobby stared at his desk. "I'm not sure what I should take," he said. He was lost, and Alex's heart bled for him.

"I don't think anyone is going to be using that desk," she said quietly. "But if you forget something, I can get it for you."

"Think anyone will use these?" He pointed to the row of reference books on his desk. Over the past six years Bobby's desk had become an unofficial reference source for Major Case.

"They're yours, right?" Alex asked.

"Yea…but I have duplicates at home," Bobby said.

"That doesn't surprise me," Alex said with a smile. "That you'd have extra copies of books that usually only appear in libraries. I promise you that they'll get some use, if only by me." She looked at Bobby's now blank desk and realized that aside from the occasional appearance of the Santa mug and its replacement, no personal items ever graced it.

"Ok…I trust you to take care of them. But don't let Logan use them as paperweights." He looked uneasily around the office.

"What is it?" Alex asked as she stood.

"I…I want to get out of here. Everyone has been great…But…I just want to leave…I don't mean to be rude…But…"

"Ok," Alex said calmly. "Let's just go like we're going on a coffee run or to do an interview…I'll apologize to everyone."

Bobby looked at her in desperate gratitude.

They managed to slip out of the office without attracting attention. The squad knew that Bobby was taking a long leave, but few beyond Ross and Logan, knew when it was scheduled to begin. Ross was preoccupied when they left the office; Logan briefly caught their eyes but did nothing more than give a quick nod of his head.

Bobby rocked impatiently on his heels as they rode the elevator. He didn't speak until they reached the garage and headed to his car. "Where do you want to go?"

Alex used the elevator ride to consider her options and make her decision. "Carina's," she said decisively.

Bobby looked at her over the roof of his car. "Carina's," he said with some surprise. "I thought you might pick some place…more expensive…more special…"

"I like it…and it's special," Alex answered. "It's where we went to celebrate our first case…when I knew I was staying with you…"

Bobby stood lost in his thoughts for a moment. They had returned to the small restaurant for enough celebratory dinners that the staff had come to think of them as favorite patrons—one waitress treated them as a romantic couple during their last visit, and he and Alex didn't correct her. He slipped behind the steering wheel. "Ok," he said.

Alex buckled her seat belt. "Besides," she said brightly. "I'm hungry…Carina's is close enough that I get fed reasonably soon but far away enough that we shouldn't run into anyone."

"Carina's it is," Bobby said. "I need to stop by my place to pick up a few things."

"What's going to happen to your apartment?" Alex asked tentatively.

"My friend…the guy at the Smithsonian," Bobby said.

"The director at the Smithsonian," Alex commented admiringly.

"Yea." Bobby smiled "He has a daughter who has an internship here for a few months…It's perfect for her…I won't have to move my books…In fact the books are a plus for her."

"Is she studying psychology? Or forensics?"

"Those aren't the only books I own, you know. But she is a premed student considering psychiatry." He drove carefully through the late afternoon traffic.

"With your library she could get her degree in those months," Alex said.

Alex sat in the passenger seat. Several months, Bobby said. She knew he would be gone; she knew it would be a long time. But the idea of not being near Bobby for several months was suddenly, terribly real to Alex.

"Bobby," she asked tentatively. "How long do you plan to be gone?"

Bobby carefully maneuvered his car into his building's parking garage. After finding a spot, he sat for several moments before turning to Alex. "At least three months," he said in a soft, strained voice.

"I know," she said. "That it was going to be a while. But we never put a number on it."

"Yea…" He reached for the car door. "I just need to run up and get something…"

Alex hadn't seen much of the inside of Bobby's apartment in recent months. In the early days of their partnership, she occasionally wondered if Bobby ever left One Police Plaza or if he lived in some closet there. She knew that a barrier between them fell one early morning after a hard case when Bobby invited to his apartment for breakfast. Its tidiness surprised her, as well as its almost complete lack of personal items. With a shrug, Bobby told her that he regarded his apartment as a place where he kept some stuff and slept. "And not much of the second," he said wryly. As she looked around the main room as she waited for Bobby, Alex realized the space was even more impersonal, even more Bobbyless, than when she'd seen it before the assault on her and his mother's illness.

"He's already left this place, "she thought. "He's already gone."

A deep, physical yearning for Bobby grew in her. "I hope he remembers that part of our bargain," she thought.

Carrying a large backpack and a stuffed and battered canvas briefcase, Bobby emerged from the back of the apartment. He'd shed his tie and his curls were ruffled. "So," he said nervously. "Do you think this will work for a grad student?"

"Yea," Alex answered, equally nervous. "Perfect. Maybe your smarts will rub off on her." She took a deep breath. "What's in the bags?"

He shrugged. "Just some books…stuff."

"You're…you're ready to leave," she said softly.

"Yea," he admitted after a moment. "I…I was going to take you home tonight…and then…"

Alex closed her eyes. Bobby was leaving. He was really leaving. He was going away, and there was a chance she might never see him again. She opened her eyes to find Bobby standing in front of her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I keep hurting you. I just couldn't find a good time or way to tell you. I'm a coward."

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You've been completely honest with me, "she whispered in his ear. "You've never lied to me…never took advantage of me…I knew what I was getting into…"

Bobby trembled and wrapped his arms around her. "I love you…You're the only true, good thing in my life…Alex…" he said desperately. "Whatever you want me to do…I'll do it…Whatever you want."

Alex pulled back from him without breaking the embrace. "Oh, no," she said gently. "I love you…I want you to stay…But I will not force you…I will not decide for you…I will not make you do anything you don't want to do…Anything that might hurt you. For one thing, it's wrong, just wrong. For another, you'd resent it. And I'd resent you for letting me do it to you."

He pulled her to him. His chin rested softly on her head.

"You're amazing," he said. His breath rustled her hair as he spoke. "You see and understand all that…and you accept it and want to do the right thing—even if it hurts you."

He held her for several minutes. A soft rumbling finally ended their reverie.

"Me." Alex blushed. "It's been a long time since lunch time."

Bobby released her. "I don't remember either of us having lunch."

"Breakfast then." Alex smiled. "C'mon…I'm hungry."

The restaurant's welcomed them with friendly familiarity. The food wasn't spectacular, but good, and Alex wasn't in the mood for spectacular. She wanted to remember everything about the evening. At some point, she'd come to accept that Bobby was leaving; she could only hope it was for a short time. "He'll come back," Alex thought as she watched him chase a lonely olive around his salad plate. He was, at last, eating something. "He'll come back." She watched through the meal. She'd worked with him for nearly seven years—she'd loved him for at least half that time—and yet she felt the need to memorize everything she could. In many ways she knew his features better than her own. There were the graying—rapidly it seemed in recent months—curls; the bulk that he hated to use as a weapon; the soft voice that was seductive without any effort; the full lips; the seemingly ever present soft stubble; and, above all, the large, long, powerful hands and the deep chocolate eyes surrounded by apparently permanent dark circles.

Bobby caught her close examination. "You have pictures of me, you know…I will contact you once a week…I've promised, and I'll keep that promise."

"I…I know," Alex said as she run her finger around her wine glass. "I…I just want to remember you…all of you…"

"I know," Bobby said huskily. "I've been doing the same thing."

Their eyes met, and Alex's heart leaped into her throat.

"Please," she said. "Can we go?"

She hoped they would return to his apartment, if only because it was closer, but he turned the car in the direction of her house.

"Is this ok?" he asked her shyly. "To go to your place?"

"Yes…but right now…I'd go anywhere with you."

His eyes remained on the road, but his right hand found her left. "Don't tempt me…I…I want this to be special for you…But I also want you…very much…"

Alex's heart caught in her throat. "Oh, God," she thought. "This is really going to happen."

Through the rest of the drive Alex found that she wanted to be as close to Bobby as possible, to the point she considered removing her seatbelt to lean against him. She settled for holding his hand or, when he needed both hands on the wheel, to rest her hand on his shoulder. He longed for her touch as much as she needed to touch him, and rested his hand in hers when he could. The road to her house never seemed so long.

"That's it," Alex said as traffic slowed in front of them. "I'm selling the house. I'm getting a place in or closer to Manhattan."

Bobby tilted his head towards her. "I know you've been thinking about that," he said as he deftly changed lanes. (Pushed, Alex thought, Bobby could be a very effective driver.) "But you know you're probably not going to find anything so big or nice…And you've owned it for a long time."

Alex's hand tenderly glided down the back of Bobby's neck. "I'm not sure if it every really was my house," she said wistfully. "That house belongs to a very different Alex."

Bobby leaned slightly back into her touch. "I think…I can understand that."

When they finally reached her house, Bobby quickly released his seatbelt, leaned over to Alex, and kissed her on the cheek. She caught his chin in her hand and pulled his face to hers. She kissed him deeply; the stubble on his face felt both rough and soft against her cheeks and in her hand.

"Alex." His lips formed her name against hers. "Please…We…need to get inside."

She pulled away from him reluctantly. They stumbled from the car and to her door. Alex fumbled with her keys. Bobby loomed behind her, one large paw pressed gently but insistently against her back. Every cell in her body responded to that touch.

"Damn these keys and locks," Alex hissed.

She was about to beg Bobby to kick the door in when the key finally turned, the lock tumbled, and Alex and Bobby fell against the door. They slammed the door open so violently that they nearly fell on the floor, but manage to stagger and stay on their feet. Alex spun to face Bobby, who kicked the door shut with his foot. She grabbed his head with her hands.

"C'mere," she said huskily and pulled his face down to her. She kissed him deeply and hungrily. Bobby responded with equal passion, devouring her with his kiss. Desperate to stay in contact, they lurched into the living room.

"Bedroom," Bobby gasped.

"Couch is closer," Alex gasped in return.

He regained some control. "Bedroom." His voice was tender and rough. "I want this to last…to be special…for you…"

The love and care and passion in Bobby's eyes overwhelmed Alex. "Oh, Bobby," she murmured.

For a moment they stood holding each other. Bobby pulled away first.

"All right?"

She nodded.

He took her hand with infinite care and led her to the bedroom.

End Chapter Ten


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

He stared at her as she curled against his chest. The moonlight streaming in from the window bathed her in a light that made her hair and skin glow. She didn't seem to belong to the earth. She was a beautiful, golden angel. He tentatively raised his hand to stroke her hair.

"She's real…This is real," Bobby thought. "I…There are so many reasons for me to stay…Except…I don't know who I am…"

Alex purred softly and shifted in his arms. Bobby's heart split into a thousand pieces. He tenderly wrapped his arms around her. "I can't stay with her," he thought. "I can't…As much as it's going to hurt her when I leave, it'd hurt so much more if I'd stay and destroy her. And right now, that's what would happen. I'm too messed up…I have to go and get my head together…And if I don't…" He studied Alex. "I'll let her go…I…I can't come back…I'll let her have a life…That's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, right? You want what's best for them…So if it's best that she finds someone else…" Bobby flung one arm across his eyes. "How pathetic are you, Goren…The woman you love just fell asleep in your arms after screaming your name in pleasure…And all you can think of is why she shouldn't be here."

He eased out of bed slowly to try to not disturb her. Alex stirred, and he held his breath, but she accepted his pillow as a substitute for him. He stood and stared at her.

"I love you so much," he whispered. "And that's why I have to go." He stepped away from the bed.

Alex smiled. Her smile became puzzled and then turned to a frown as she realized she held a pillow and not Bobby. A spark of fear woke her as she realized Bobby wasn't in the bed beside her. "Oh no," she thought. "He's gone…He's left…He's spoiled me for anyone else…And he's gone." She sat up quickly and was on the verge of grabbing her clothes when she heard sounds from the bathroom. Relief flooded her.

"I know why he thinks he has to leave," Alex thought. "And I won't—can't—stop him. I have to let him find out who he is…If I force him to stay…And it wouldn't take much force…He'd come to hate it…and me."

Bobby stepped back into the bedroom. "I could leave now," he thought. "But I won't be a coward…She deserves better than that…Much better than me…Oh, God." He sat on the edge of the bed. "Forgive me…please forgive me."

He felt a soft touch on his back and tilted his head towards Alex.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's all right." Alex sat up and wrapped her arms around him. She gently nuzzled his neck, and Bobby leaned back into her touch. He turned, and they kissed deeply. There was so much to say, and neither knew how to say it.

"Please," Alex said desperately as they broke the kiss. "Make love to me again, Bobby…Please…"

He gently pushed her back on the bed. He worshipped her with his hands and lips. Just as he had a few hours before, Bobby touched Alex in ways that gave her joys and pleasures she'd never experienced. Earlier he'd sent her into a frenzy that caused her to scream his name. Now, he took her breath away. She couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't feel beyond what he gave her. She finally lay gasping. Still trembling from his own orgasm, Bobby lay beside her with one arm flung across her body. She turned to look in his dark, beautiful eyes.

"Wow," she managed.

He gave her a sad, sweet smile. "Very wow." He turned on his side and took her chin tenderly in his hand.

The pale morning light grew stronger as they lay next to each other. They stared at each other trying to memorize everything about the place and moment.

"I love you," Bobby finally said. "But I have to…"

Alex touched his cheek. "I…I understand…a little…"

He pulled her to him. "You may understand more than I do."

"C'mon," Alex said. "I'll fix some coffee while you shower."

A few minutes later they sat at the kitchen table. Sunlight began to stream through the windows.

"I…I could buy you some breakfast," Bobby said.

"That's ok…I can fix something…"

Bobby shook his head. "I…I'm not really hungry."

"And you wanted to buy me breakfast? Make me eat while you drank coffee?" she smiled.

Bobby shrugged and stared into his coffee. He wore a dark T-shirt and jeans and had opted not to shave. Alex thought he was beautiful.

"It's ok…You…You can go." She reached across the table to touch his hand.

"You're wonderful," he said. "You're wonderful, and I love you, and I'm leaving you." He put his head in his hands. "I…I must be in trouble…If I think I need to leave something so good…The best thing I've ever known…"

Alex stood and walked to him. She wrapped her arms around his head, and Bobby wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I don't deserve you," he said, his voice muffled against her body. "I don't…"

"Yes, you do," Alex said. "You are a very good and brave man and you deserve happiness…Maybe you need this time to learn that…"

"But…"

"No buts, Bobby…no ifs," she said gently but firmly. "I think I understand why you need this." To her amazement, Alex believed her words. "Just remember, you contact me every week…every week.

"Yes."

They held each other in silence for several minutes.

"I don't mean to send you away…Far from it," Alex said sadly. "But if you want to get anywhere today, you'd better start."

Bobby released her and stood. "Look…I want you…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I…don't think of you…There's nothing exclusive about us…If you meet someone…" He paced away from her. "I'm not expressing this well."

"I know what you're trying to say," Alex said. "And the same goes for you."

They looked at each other and both knew that no person would ever take the other's place.

"I'll write…call," Bobby said.

She followed him to the front door. He picked up his two bags.

"I'm going to sell this place," she said suddenly.

"Let me know where you're going," Bobby said softly. "So I can find you."

"Of course," Alex said. "After you find yourself."

He dropped the bags, walked to her, and embraced her.

"I love you," he said in a choked voice. "Thank you."

He kissed her, and he was gone.

END CHAPTER 11


	12. Chapter 12

Some hijacking of this chapter by characters and situations.

Chapter 12

There were bumps, but Alex and Mike Logan worked well together, well enough that the Major Case Squad's solve rate dripped only slightly. The dip wasn't enough to catch the Brass' attention, but enough to cause Ross and other members of the squad to miss Bobby Goren. Logan wasn't Bobby, but he was smart, funny, tough, and occasionally willing to reach into those inherited reference books resting on Alex's desk. There were some things she couldn't share—the Santa Mug remained firmly on her desk. She saw her nephew several times a week. Her parents and siblings encouraged her to go out and even presented a couple of candidates for dating purposes. Alex smiled and didn't refuse these suggestions as much as she ignored them. She sold the house with remarkable ease and little regret, and made enough to make a down payment on a studio apartment within walking distance on a good day of One Police Plaza. As a consequence, she returned the Mustang to Lewis, who told her she could borrow a car any time. She sold nearly everything in the house, and her discovery that very few traces of Joe remained there stunned Alex. As she packed her albums and scrapbooks, she felt little as she glanced at the ones depicting her life with Joe. The more recent ones, the ones showing where Bobby entered her life, produced lumps in her throat and tears in her eyes, and she lingered over them until she was in danger of not being ready for the movers. Her move to a much smaller home in Manhattan puzzled her family.

"Are you having some kind of crisis?" one of her sisters asked.

"No," Alex answered. "Just feel the need to simplify things."

Her life had always revolved around her job, and now, aside from the time with her family, she scarcely existed away from it. She accompanied Logan for a few after work drinks, but never drank to excess. Leary of his reputation, Alex kept her defenses up at first with Logan, but, to both her relief and minor disappointment, he made no moves towards her. It took Alex roughly a week to learn about Logan and Ross' promises to Bobby. The concern of all three men touched her, although Alex warned her partner and her captain that if she ever caught them looking out for her, there would be dire consequences.

The job and the apartment took up much of her time. During her few moments available for reflection, Alex missed Bobby terribly. The feelings were vaguely familiar. One night, as she struggled to sleep, she realized she was mourning for Bobby. The symptoms weren't exactly the same as the ones she experienced at Joe's murder, but the dull ache in her heart and the fog in her brain were very much like what she felt. At times she didn't know if the fact Bobby was alive made everything better or worse. She lived for his calls on Sunday nights or for the emails (very few of those since he was rarely near a computer), or for the letters bearing Bobby's scrawl (usually from somewhere Alex had never heard of). These communications provided little information regarding Bobby and his state of mind. She was always glad to hear his voice, even if he sounded as lost and exhausted as she felt. His letters were wonderfully descriptive about where he was, if not informative regarding what he thought and felt. "I'm doing ok," he said, or "This wasn't too bad of a day." The envelopes' postmarks suggested he wandered the wilds of northern New York with occasional forays into Canada. His letters mentioned a rare Army buddy, but he appeared to remain solitary for his travels. He camped a great deal, and several letters offered hilarious accounts of his fishing efforts. He didn't write or speak of missing her or of what happened between them before he left, and he signed his letters with nothing more than his name. The length and frequency of his communications rested on where he was physically or mentally. Sunday nights became sacred to Alex; in response to her family's questions, she explained that time was hers. One awful Sunday night Alex waited by the phone with increasing anxiety as the minutes and hours clicked by. She had no idea if Bobby still had his cell phone, but she was ready to call it when her phone rang. Her relief and his guilt stayed her anger.

"I'm sorry," he said when he heard the distress in her voice. "I…I was hiking…and I lost track of time…It was so beautiful…And then it was so late I was afraid to call…"

"It's ok." Alex curled up on her bed. "I was…I was waiting for your call." Alex feared she sounded like a love struck teenager.

There was a beat. "You…you were waiting…" He was stunned. "Oh, Alex…I'm sorry…You must have been worried."

"It's ok," she said. "But I was about to call your cell phone."

"Sorry," Bobby said. "I'm not carrying it…"

Alex could only hope that Bobby received as much pleasure from hearing her voice as she did from hearing his. His letters revealed a little more than his phone calls. He rarely wrote about his feelings, but Alex sensed that the vivid descriptions in his words were an attempt to maintain their connections. The letters provided small steps—a "I wish you were here to see this" or "I miss you"—that reverberated in Alex's heart.

Her family thought the changes in her life might be a delayed reaction to the assault on her. Only her father sensed that her partner's absence might be a factor in Alex's behavior, and even he saw it only as A reason rather than THE reason. During the funeral of Bobby's mother, Alex registered her mother and father's presences only on her mind's edge. It was only after Bobby—in a rare acknowledgement of his mother's passing—wrote asking her to express his gratitude to her parents that Alex recalled they had been at the funeral. She quickly forwarded Bobby's thanks to them; her mother surprised Alex by expressing sympathy for Bobby.

"He wrote us a wonderful and charming note just to thank us for being there," her mother told her. "And everyone at the funeral had such good things to say about him. He must be a very good man."

In spite of Bobby's efforts, bits of his life seeped into hers. There were phone calls from concerned friends and even a few sessions over coffee with Lewis. Alex checked in occasionally with the daughter of the Smithsonian director. The bright young woman—who loved the apartment and the books—reported one day that two large men dressed in very expensive dark suits approached her on the previous day to ask if she knew Bobby Goren. She told them that she did, but that he was out of town and she had no idea where he was. She did know that his partner might be able to contact him, but the men were surprised and nervous when the young woman mentioned that Bobby Goren and his partner were NYPD detectives.

"Frank," Alex thought, and urged the young woman to call her if the men appeared again.

The men didn't reappear, but Frank Goren did. Alex and Logan were in the middle of a tough case and decided that a break from the squad room might clear their minds. As they walked to the nearest coffee shop, Alex noted with a slight smile that Logan attempted to adjust his stride to match hers. He hadn't quite mastered the skill yet, and Alex remembered that it had taken several weeks for her and Bobby to figure out how to walk together.

"Hey!" A voice called from behind them. Alex and Logan's cop ESP immediately went on full alert. Their hands hovering near their guns, both cautiously turned. The faced an anxious Frank Goren. He was dressed well and seemed sober, but he nervously approached. Alex and Logan regarded him with jaundiced eyes.

"Frank," Alex said in exasperation.

"Uh…hey." He nodded absently at Logan. "I…I was trying to find Bobby…"

Logan stepped closer to Alex, a move she found surprisingly reassuring.

"He's not around," Alex said calmly. "And I don't know where he is."

"I…I need to find him," Frank said.

Alex sighed. "Do you need money?"

"Uh, no…no," Frank said. "God's been good to me lately…"

Logan snorted. "I've never really understood why God would take an interest in anyone's gambling activities."

Frank glared at Logan. "I'm talking to the lady," he said.

"Whose name you've apparently forgotten," Logan said dryly.

As much as she enjoyed watching Logan take on Frank, Alex wanted to end this conversation. "Frank, what do you want?"

Frank shifted nervously from one foot to the other. Alex wondered that a behavior that was so endearing in Bobby could be so irritating in Frank. "I need to talk with Bobby about my Mom's stuff…I know she left me something…"

Logan grunted, and Alex didn't try to hide her anger.

"Bobby told you…There was nothing to leave…Your mother didn't have anything." Alex stared at him.

"But…" Frank whine.

"And stop sending people around his place," Alex said quietly. "He's not there."

Frank did a poor impression of a fish.

"And remember," Alex continued. "I'm a cop…Bother me again and you'll be in trouble like you've never known." She turned to Logan. "Let's get out of here."

"It didn't take you very long," Frank growled.

Alex didn't respond—she was through with Frank.

"What are you talking about?" Logan said in a low voice.

"Logan…don't…" Alex touched him lightly on the sleeve.

Frank sneered at her. "Didn't take you long to find someone else? Someone to take his place?"

"Listen." Logan's voice took on an edge. "You don't know anything about her…or your brother…"

"I'll say this for you," Frank said. "You train them well…But Bobby was always a wimp with girls…Always so polite and nice and letting them walk all over him."

Alex flared at the attack on Bobby. "Well, you don't seem to be doing all that well," she said coldly. "And Logan and I are professional partners and friends…"

"Oh, yeah," Frank sneered. "Friends…"

Logan moved quickly. Before Alex or Frank could react, he rushed Frank into an alley and pinned him against a brick wall.

"Listen," Logan said coldly and in a low voice. "Only the fact that you're Goren's brother keeps me from wiping the ground with you. You can say what you want about me, but you cross the line when you badmouth her or your brother." His head jerked towards Alex.

Frank twisted helplessly. "I…I'll report this," he gasped.

"Go ahead," Logan said. "My jacket could use some new material."

Alex stood near the alley's entrance, her arms folded. "You boys go ahead," she said dryly. "Don't mind me."

Frank opened and shut his mouth.

"Here's the deal, Frank," Logan said almost genially. "You leave Eames alone. You leave Bobby alone…And we'll leave you alone." His grip relaxed slightly. "How's that sound?"

Frank looked frantically from Logan to Alex.

"It's a good deal, Frank," Alex said. She enjoyed the moment more than she should have.

"Ok…Ok," Frank whimpered.

Logan released him, and Frank started to slink away. "You…you won't tell Bobby about this?"

Alex thought Frank actually looked scared and sensed that this fear of his brother was a relatively new development.

"Not a word, Frank," she said. "Not for you, though…but because of Bobby…for some reason, he still cares about you."

His shoulders slumped and shooting quick, frightened glances over his shoulder, Frank shuffled away.

"Whatya think?" Logan asked. "Think he'll stay away?"

"I think we've put the fear of God in him," Alex said. "Or at least the fear of the NYPD." She looked at Logan. "Thanks for your help."

Logan waved a hand. "Not a problem," he said cheerfully. "I owe Goren…I owe you…" He grinned. "Besides, I've been wanting to something like that since I saw how he treated his brother."

Alex said nothing about the encounter with Frank when she spoke with Bobby the next Sunday. For his part, Bobby seemed even more distracted than usual.

"Hey," she asked softly. "You ok?"

"Uh…yea…" he answered. In her mind, Alex could see him rubbing the back of his neck. "I…I'm sleeping better…I've lost some weight…" Alex heard a truck's motor in the distance. "But last night…Alex, do you know what day this is?"

She ran through the files in her mind. "Uh, no…I…" She glanced at the calendar on her wall. "Oh, Bobby…I didn't realize. It's three months since your Mom died."

There was a long silence; Alex feared he'd hung up. "Yea…three months…Alex…Thank you for everything…Your patience…I…I…don't deserve…don't know what…" His voice trailed away.

"It's all right," she assured him quickly. "I'm glad to be of help."

Another long silence followed.

"I…uh…thank you…I …miss you, Alex…I…I'm sorry…So sorry…Good by…" And he was gone, leaving Alex thrilled at his admission that he missed her and terrified by his depression.

A letter from Bobby arrived three days later. The sight of an envelope with Bobby's handwriting filled Alex with anticipation, and she ripped it open as she waited for the elevator.

"_My dearest Alex_," it began.

"He's never started a letter like that," Alex thought.

"_I love you so much. You've given me so much. I don't deserve you_."

Alex's heart fell at the words, and for several moments she couldn't continue to read the letter.

"_I spent the anniversary of my Mom's death hiking in a state park. It was beautiful, and for the first time since her funeral, I noticed how beautiful the world could be. And then I thought of how much I wished you were there with me. I love you. I want to share things with you. These may be the only things I really know—that I'm really sure of. I love you. I can't give you anything but me, but you already know that. I'm not sure I've figured myself out. Maybe no one ever really figures themselves out. But I've come to believe what you told me. That what we do and what we've done is what makes and shows what we are. And I guess that my actions—at least a lot of them—mean I'm a good man, or at least I've tried to be a good man. I know you're good, so if I love you, there must be something good about me. I will come back. I hope that you will be there, that you'll be waiting. I understand if you're not. I only hope. That may be the greatest thing you've given me. Hope._

_Love,_

_Bobby_"

A smudge blurred the ink on the paper. Alex realized her tears were dropping on the sheet. Clutching the letter, she stumbled out of the elevator and to her apartment. She fumbled with her keys, unlocked the door, and found a tissue. She wiped her eyes and looked again at the few lines.

"Oh, Bobby," she whispered. "If only I could talk to you. If I knew where you were, I'd run to you right now."

She hoped she might use the next day to search for Bobby, but an early call in the morning from a grumpy Logan yanked her from a restless sleep. His mood wasn't improved when the case proved to be a simple one that they kicked back to the locals after a day wasted in paperwork and tap dancing for and around the Brass. They were able to leave work at a reasonable hour, but Alex lacked the energy both to accept Logan's offer of a drink and to walk to her apartment. The driver of the cab she hailed was about to protest such a short trip, but Alex smiled wearily and charmingly at him.

"It's been a long, rough day," she said. "And I promise you a good tip."

"I can understand that," the cabbie said, and cheerfully drove her the few blocks. He became even more cheerful when Alex asked him to stop at the corner to save him the trip down the street.

It was a lovely summer evening, and Alex regretted the loss of the walk home. August in New York City often felt as if a very hot and very wet blanket covered the world, but several days and evenings of thunderstorms created a brief respite of cool breezes. Alex ran a hand through her hair. "A nice, cool shower…some iced tea…maybe a Long Island Iced Tea…an early bedtime…" she thought. As she walked, she saw a large figure sitting on the steps of her building. In her short time in the area, Alex hadn't noticed any problems with vagrants in the neighborhood, and hoped that this wasn't the sign of trouble. As she drew closer, the figure stood and walked to her. She recognized its frame and step.

"Bobby," she breathed.

END Chapter 12


	13. Chapter 13

A totally fluffy ending. Thanks for the many kind reviews.

Chapter 13

She moved quickly, almost breaking into a run. He moved towards her with equal speed, but stopped a few feet from her.

"Wow," he said warmly. "You look great."

He smiled, and a wonderful glow flowed through Alex. She thought he'd taken care of himself recently. He'd lost weight and gained muscle. The most striking change was the full, bushy, graying beard covering his face. His hair was a week or two past needing a haircut, and riotous black and gray curls covered his head. His jeans and black T-shirt hung loosely on his frame.

"Do I look that frightening?" Bobby smiled at her, and Alex realized she'd stared at him for several minutes.

"No…no…far from it…" She stepped closer to him. He smelled wonderfully of Bobby. She desperately wanted to touch him to prove that he was real, but she knew any touch would start a fire only he could put out. "It's just…I…I'm so glad to see you…But I didn't expect you…"

"You're beautiful," Bobby said. He looked at her as if he couldn't believe she was real. "But you look tired. Rough case?"

"No case." Alex shrugged. "We chased our tails for a few hours and then the Brass kicked it back to the locals."

"I haven't missed that sort of thing," Bobby said wryly. "But I've missed you," he said huskily.

Alex's heart dissolved. "Inside," she murmured. "We need to get inside."

Bobby followed her as she hustled into her building. The doorman lifted an eyebrow when he saw Bobby, but Alex quietly said, "An old friend of mine. Haven't seen him for a while." The presence of others in the elevator prevented her from jumping into Bobby's arms, but it also prevented her from saying what she wanted to Bobby.

She rushed out of the elevator, pausing only to glance quickly behind her to make sure Bobby followed her. Her hand shook so much that Alex found it difficult to get the key in the lock.

"I…I'm sorry…I'm making you nervous." His voice was soft and gently. "It…it took me a little time to find this place…It wasn't your directions…They were fine…But I got lost someplace…And being a guy…I wouldn't ask for directions…"

Alex sensed he was trying to calm her, and it worked. She finally managed to get the door opened. Bobby followed her into the apartment. He looked around the room. "This is nice…but….humpf!"

Alex kissed him hungrily. She shoved him against the wall with so much force that one of the pictures fell from the wall. They wrapped their arms around each other.

"Bobby," she whispered huskily. "Please…make love to me…Now…I need you…Please…"

"Alex." He breathed her name. "Are…are you sure about this? I…I haven't…I ran away…"

"Shut up," Alex said as nicely as she could. "We can talk about it later….It doesn't matter…"

"It does matter," Bobby said. He held at arms length. "I…I think I have a better idea of who I am…Like I wrote you…I don't know entirely…But I do know where I'm happy…where I think I belong…" His dark eyes shimmered, and Alex could scarcely bear to look in them. "I…I belong with you…wherever you are." He stared at his feet. "It's not fair…to put this all on you…But…if you…"

Alex pulled his face to hers. "I love you," she said. "I belong with you…I love you…"

They were starved for each other. They kissed and touched desperately. They banged against the couch, and Alex tried to pull Bobby down on it.

"Alex," he mumbled. "I've been in a car for five hours…I'm not a kid…If I'm going to make love to you without my body cramping…I need some room…"

She spun and guided them to the bed. "Good thing this isn't far away," she whispered against his surprisingly soft beard. She pushed him down on the bed.

"Your bed…It's new…It's smaller," Bobby gasped.

Alex yanked his shirt out of his jeans. "Good to see that your skills haven't gone, Bobby." She pulled the shirt over his head. "You look great," she said admiringly and skimmed a hand across his chest.

"I love you, Alex."

His large hands reached for the bottom of her shirt. He pulled it up and over her head. She leaned forward and kissed him. Bobby fumbled with her bra. He managed to unsnap the clasp, and Alex shed it. He gently rested his head between her breasts, and she thrilled to fill of his soft beard and hair against her skin.

At her groan, he tried to pull away. "Did I hurt you?" he asked.

"It's fine," she smiled. "It's this fur on your face…"

"I was going to shave it off," Bobby said. He rubbed his face across her breasts, and she shivered with pleasure. "But when I decided I wanted…needed to get to you…I just wanted to get here…" He smiled. "And I confess I hoped to do this." He nibbled at the spot where her throat and chest and shoulders met. "Enjoy the fur while you can…It'll be gone soon…"

The frenzy they both felt when they saw each other eased. They reveled in each other's touch and body. They sensed that they were together now, that neither would leave. They helped the other shed their clothing and luxuriated in the sight and smell and touch of their bodies. After some time, Bobby gently turned Alex on her back and slipped a pillow beneath her hips. She spread her legs to welcome him, but he kissed her on the mouth.

"I remember everything about you," he murmured against her lips. "Your smell, your touch, your taste." He kissed and nipped his way down her neck and chest. "But even the memories…They're nothing compared to being here…Knowing that you're real…that you…" He looked into her eyes as she arched up to meet him.

"Love you!" Alex cried as he entered her. "Love you…Bobby…Bobby…!"

"Alex…Love you…Love you…so…oh…Alex…Alex!"

Gasping, they lay intertwined, neither really sure where the other ended or began, for several moments. Neither wanted to break the spell around them.

Alex stroked Bobby's hair. "Happy…no much more than that," she thought. "Joy…peace…everything…More than I've ever felt…even with Joe…"

Bobby rested with much of his body covering her, but his weight and bulk comforted her. She felt no pain, no fear, no heaviness crushing her.

Bobby stirred and raised his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks. "Oh, Alex." Her name was a prayer in his voice. "How could I ever think…" He moved cautiously so that he lay beside her. "How could I ever think that I had to go away to find myself, when I was right here…here with you…"

Alex blinked and felt tears cascade down her cheeks. Bobby reached for and pulled her to him. He drew the sheets over them.

"What was it you said?" Bobby asked when he could trust his voice. "The day of my Mom's funeral…That endings could be beginnings?"

She nodded.

He smiled at her. One of his large hands tenderly cupped her chin. "It's usually Alpha, Omega—the beginning and the end—not Omega, Alpha…"

She snuggled to him.

"Omega, Alpha, uh?" she smiled. "Well, we do seem to get a lot of things backward…"

"Yea," he said softly. "But this is a wonderful beginning…"

END


End file.
